Saturday, April 28, 2007

You'll have had your tea.

Up until this evening I had taken the stance of opposition to Scottish separation from the UK, not for any other reason than that it had been supported by the Scottish Nationalist party. In my book, any group of people who include Nationalist in their title should be viewed with a certain degree of suspicion. (Hands up all of those of you who thought I was going to say “Scottish” instead of “Nationalist” there). I loathe the concept of Nationalism. There may be an element of truth in the accusation that I adopt this posture because if we were to be grouped by ethnic type, then I would be with the fat, ugly, ginger twats, but I have more altruistic reasons for my distrust of those with a parochial view of the world.

That is until my old mate Gordon Brown, he of the lugubrious disposition, enlisted the help of scientists in his campaign against the SNP. According to my friends at the BBC, he could only find 61 of the buggers to side with him. I don’t know how hard he looked. My eyebrows are arched at the lack of enthusiasm found in the scientific community to poke their very ugly noses into someone else’s business. They are normally at the forefront of such nonsense. Perhaps it is Brown that they object to. I do not have figures to hand. There may be many more than 61 scientists in the UK, who is to say? I doubt whether our frail economy could support many more than that, and even my vivid imagination is stretched to encompass the prospect of what we need that many for, and what they do all day. I may be wrong. The islands may be overrun with them, and only 61 failed to come up with a good excuse when Brown called to enlist their support. “Daphne, if that fool Brown calls, tell him I am conducting important research into the average diameter of lumps of coal and can’t possibly speak to him”.

Whatever the facts and figures may be, and both Gordon Brown and scientists are notoriously unreliable when it comes to sums, the fact that this many of them are in favour of union with Scotland leads me to the conclusion that independence for the Scots can only be a good thing.

The whole of the article at the BBC is riddled with nonsense. I am slightly suspicious that it is the work of my new friend Reg, who, by his own admission, has a new job, and is very inebriated indeed.

He (Brown) said: "Of the world's top 200 universities, Scotland has three - more than Ireland, Iceland and Norway combined.”

What? It is the early hours of the morning, and I can’t quite deduce what he is trying to say. It may be that he thinks that having lots of universities is a good thing, who can tell? Personally, I cannot fathom how an economy based upon crofting, crocheting porridge and trying to find the last remnants of fossil fuels in the North Sea can possible thrive with all of those bloody students, and if he thinks that being joined to England will make the Scots less prosperous, then I would like to know if there is anyone south of Berwick involved in any useful trade. It seems to me that we are all accountants, marketers, conservatory designers or telephone sanitisers these days. The last time anyone in Britain produced anything of any use was when someone gave Engelbert Humperdinck a passport, allowing him to leave the country.

Apparently, according to the BBC (or Newcastle Brown addled Reg as the case may be), a group of prominent Scottish footballers have spoken out in favour of the Union. That must be all right then. We can’t go raising the school leaving age without the report of a working party consisting of Nobby Stiles, Ian Wright and Peter Shilton. It would be wrong to join the European Union single currency without thorough scrutiny by Dion Dublin. I trust that none of you has rushed into matrimony without first seeking the approval of Malcolm Macdonald.


I, like the view said...

I was going to make a really pertinent comment, but have been totally side tracked by the delightful thought of Engelbert Humperdinck

*saunters off singing*

(your choice of: A Man Without Love - Quando M'innamoro, Love Me With All Of Your Heart, or Can't Take My Eyes Off You)

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, ILTV, my particular favourite track of his is "I'm a slimy deformed git who ought to top himself now for the sake of humanity". I am especially fond of the chorus.

Vicus Scurra said...

And the version where he sang it together with Tom Jones and Sheena Easton.

Richard said...

Is this a Leicester thing?

Vicus Scurra said...

Dunno, old banana, perhaps if I knew what the thing was I might be able to locate its origin for you.

Cherrypie said...

How opportune I should venture by at this very moment as if to affirm your membership of the fat, ugly, ginger twats gang.

Hail, fellow well met x

Richard said...

You're not in any way vexed by the ex Mr Dorsey's adoption of the Pearl of the East Midlands as his home town? He will get his blue plaque before yours but probably only by virtue of him being older.

ziggi said...

you're just soooo jingoistic

zoe said...

just because you don't like gordon brown doesn't mean that everybody else dislikes him too. his goldfish is very fond of him and is a friendly and loyal pet. mr brown has a fine set of teeth, too.

Reg Pither said...

Dear Vicus,

A number of things. I can assure you that there is not enough alcohol in the world to tempt me into writing for the Buggered at Boardingschool Club - my lawyers are in the post.
Secondly, while I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments on nationalism of any form (together with what passes for patriotism these days - the scoundrels' home), I must admit that I tend towards the Terry Collier view of the peoples of the world (in Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads) - "So, Terry, from the wide, blue, distant Pacific, across the barren wastes of Manchuria and back to 127 Inkerman Terrace, you can't abide anyone?" "That's about the strength of it!"
Finally, and by way of somewhat undermining our views on nationalism and parochialism, please tell me you're not from Leicester? Dear God! Although I no longer live there, I was born and brought up in Nottingham! I think we could be about to fall out.

Vicus Scurra said...

Cherrypie. I am not sure what you are saying here. We seem to have so much in common.
Richard. I knew Eng when he was known as Doris Golightly, and had a van from which he/she sold ladies cosmetics.
Ziggi. I refer you to the comments I made to Cherrypie above.
Zoe. Again, I seem to have difficulty understand you girlies today, for which I apologise. Are you suggesting that Gordon Brown makes a good pet? Is he resident in your house?
Reg. Let me clarify that my misanthropy is not limited nor defined by nationality, class, gender, religion, sexual preference, age or hat size. Yes, I was born in Leicester, although I see that as no reason to fall out, you great Robin Hood shagging tosser. Shove your DHLawrence up your Trent Bridge. I firmly believe that we Midlanders should band together. We could be as effective in giving a third choice in the great North South divide debate as the Libdems are in the political sphere.

I, like the view said...

oh! you're from North of the Watford Gap - no wonder I don't understand what you're going on about half the time. . .


*smiles sweetly as she exits rapidly*

(you're still invited to my birthday party tho!)

Reg Pither said...

There's nothing wrong with a bunch of grown men living together in the woods and wearing tights so lay of the Lincoln Green guys.
Ok, you have a point. Us against the world. You do, after all, lay claim to Mr Orton - a fine man.

raincoaster said...

When is all of this going to be translated into something more generic, like American? I can't make out a word.

Vicus Scurra said...

They ain't no way them uppity northern faggots gonna get their own place, y'all.
Reg. And you have Sue Pollard, so I guess that makes us even, culturally speaking.
ILTV. There are areas south of Watford Gap that are also in the Midlands. I suspect you meant Watford. Watford is a town in Hertfordshire whose only redeeming feature is that it is used as a geographical landmark to help to identify southerners, most of whom still manage to get it wrong.

raincoaster said...

Aight, thx ViScu.

Reg Pither said...

...I deny emphatically that I have ever HAD Sue Pollard! I doubt anyone has. Besides, I really did like Joe Orton.

Homo Escapeons said...

I just knew that Braveheart would stir up all sorts of trouble.
Damn you Mel Gibson!

According to urban mythology the 'uppity northerners' are far too parsimonious to incur any costs associated with nationalization.

Personally I cringe whenever I hear Flight of the Valkyries on the Bagpipes...OUCH!

Vicus Scurra said...

Donn, you are being mislead. I have never met an ungenerous Scot. This does not, however, prevent me from reminding them of the stereotype in all possible ways.