Wednesday, October 31, 2007

I always listened to my party's call and never thought of thinking for myself at all

I have to write something because that silly bugger Reg has changed the picture that my previous post alluded to. I won’t be making that mistake again.

A summary of tonight’s battle against the trick or treaters.
0 fatalities,
0 injuries.

Nothing exceptionally exciting, but an unusually high turnout. We seem to be getting more young people in the village. Obviously shipped in to boost the Tory part vote when the current population turn up their toes.

My gambit with my first visitors was to tell them that they looked ill, and that perhaps they should go and lie down. “Lie down in the road” I suggested. They did. I love dumb obedience in the young (see my earlier comment about the Tory youth).

A gang of about seven were next to arrive. This was lovely. I opened the door and let out a scream (not a high pitched one, but still more of a scream than a roar). They screamed, very loudly, in return. Really high pitched screams. I then affected not to be able to hear them say “trick or treat”. It was fucking loud. And even fucking louder the fourth time.

“Don’t look behind you” I said to one young girl, “but there’s someone really scary standing at the end of my drive”. “That’s my mum”. “Scared me to death” I said. You will note that I did not say “scared the shit out of me”, or anything else inappropriate.

My favourite was a few years ago when a couple of older boys knocked (I guess about 11 or 12). I greeted them with the scream also. “I’ve peed my pants”.

I’m still waiting up at 11.00, but there have not been any visitors for some time. I guess I dug too many holes in the garden this year.


Rimshot said...

If you don't mind waiting a bit longer, I haven't had a chance to make my rounds yet...just let me find my leather trousers and Sid Vicious T-shirt...I may yet have a nose ring and some ankle wait until I come round...wait...are you the one passing out the little airplane bottles of tequila?

I, like the view said...

I know I'm a little late, but I can't resist this:


actually, I tricked you - they are both treats. . . or are they both tricks?

can't remember now if you adore her, or not

Reg Pither said...

I never get to meet these charming urchins. Pither's bell rang several times last night but on each occasion, once the manic roaring of my alsatian had died down, all I could then hear was the rapid crunching of gravel outside and when I finally opened the door there was no-one there - spooky, eh?
Sorry about the photo change. Your mate Phil was on the blower about it so I did him a deal - fancy coming on a chauffeur driven trip round Paris in a Merc with me?

Dave said...

'changed the picture that my previous post alluded to.'

To which my previous post alluded, surely?

'A gang of about seven were arrived.'

No, I can make no sense of this at all.

Had you been drinking before writing this article?

homo escapeons said...

I wonder how many Dollymops 'treat' their 'tricks' to a freebie on Hallowe'en?

Rol Hirst said...

You must have to be really careful when digging those holes - so as not to disturb all the corpses.

zoe said...

i decided to go out on the piss so as to avoid any visitors. Q was out too so i've no idea if anyone came 'round. even todd hasn't called to ask where the hell we were - he always pops around - even if he's HERE. (the kids are chez daddy this week.)

Richard said...

5 years ago we all dressed in suitably inspired clothing with make-up and fake blood and all that guff with the express intention of scaring the shit out the little buggers. And only one of them knocked all bloody evening and she looked at me as though being greeted by a bloke in full vampire kit, full-on pallid complexion, slicked back hair and fake blood drooling over his chin was an everyday experience for a 4-year-old in Crewe. Probably is.

Vicus Scurra said...

Rimshot. I was awake until 2:30. You bastard.
ILTV. You make no sense whatsoever. I suspect that I am not the first to make that observation.
Reg. Don't go anywhere outside of GB with Phil. He upsets people.
Dave. Thank you for spotting the mistake. I have corrected it. And you look so good on that high horse, off with which you can bugger.
Donn. I refer you to the comment I made to ILTV above.
Rol. Corpses? I was referring to the holes in which I keep all the lovely treats for the delightful children who make such an effort to entertain me each year. Really!
Zoe! why didn't you knock on my door?
Richard. How well I remember the children of Crewe, and the scarring I have perpetrated on their minds.

Richard said...

Oh and it's "I always voted at my party's call..."

(Yes, yes I did have to look it up to check but I did know it was G & S)

Reg Pither said...

I consider myself your cyber pal and I loathe, despise and detest pedants who pick people up on literals and grammatical errors BUT my aversion has been overridden by your disparaging remark to ILTV. You wrote both "outside OF GB" and "scarring...perpetrated on their minds". Are you sure you're happy with both of those? Are you, perhaps, an advocate of tautological prepositions? Can scars be perpetrated? Let he who is without gin cast the first moan.

Reg Pither said...

On reflection, you may just about escape the Death of A Thousand Cuts with the use of "perpetrate" get the nub of my gist?

Anonymous said...

By dark I have heard enough shrieking to last a lifetime. Although I must admit, it would be such fun to see them piss themselves and not have it be my fault because they couldn't leave the room.

ziggi said...

hello, can I have the treat please?

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. Blah blah blah blah.
Reg. Blah blah blah blah.
Dyna. Pervert.
Ziggi. You are a little late. You will have to wait until it is time to sit on my knee and tell me what you want for Christmas.

Reg Pither said...

That should, of course, read "blah, blah, blah, blah". I think someone's been smacked with the grumpy stick today, haven't they?

Vicus Scurra said...

No, Reg, still not getting anything, can you speak up a bit please.

I, like the view said...

reg, vicus often makes disparaging remarks in my direction, as he does to all his commenters (can one make a remark in a direction?) and it doesn't bother me in the least - it's one up from when he used to ignore me completely

the day he puts my humble little blog on his links list is the day I will be on uTube eating my proverbial hat

and then I shall desist in bothering him with my vacant thoughts

in the meantime I quite content that he observes I am confused, as I generally am (and have no problem admitting it!)

dear sweet vicus, I hope it is alright for me to use your space with which to have a little chat with the very delightful Mr Pither

my life is enhanced by being able to communicate in some form or other with the both of you

good Friday to you sirs

Dave said...

Note that she sweetly avoided putting the 'g' in 'good' as a capital letter, thus avoiding any confusion in your mind as to the date; for if it were indeed Good Friday then perhaps the old loss-of-memory-where-do-the-days-go-to thing might be coming back again.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, but she isn't too bad, for a girl.
ILTV - you will be linked to (I like to at the end, Dave would have said "to will be you linked") as soon as I have a chance to review my out of date links bar. I always read your postings, and do not see why I should suffer alone.

Reg Pither said...

Great!! Someone with tits speaks and suddenly your hearing's better!! Sexist pig.

Richard said...

23 comments and nobody's said anything yet. Must be like being in government.

Vicus Scurra said...

That's unfair. Reg said "tits". What more do you want from a debate?

ziggi said...

Oh Sid, my hero - here it is:
Christmas List
new boots
new handbag
new car
and probably
new husband

thank you
when do i get the siting on lap bit?

ziggi said...

it probably has 2 Ts doesn't it?

Vicus Scurra said...


Whitesnake said...


tom909 said...

All this talk about halloween takes me back to the time I was in America......
No but seriously, I've just realised that moving out here to get away from those soddin' carol singers has actually freed me from those dressed up kids as well. Win win - unusual for me.