Thursday, May 04, 2006

In defence of the Kiwi

For the benefit of my many fans and spiritual dependents in the antipodes (a Mrs Trellis of North Wellington), I think I should be the one to put the record straight.

There has been no tsunami in New Zealand in the last few hours. Rumours that the country has been removed from the surface of the Earth and no one has noticed are not true. Rumours that happenings in New Zealand are so rare that this one was judged to be a hoax are also totally without foundation. Headlines such as “Auckland obliterated – damage estimated at $15” will not appear here.

It is also untrue that New Zealanders have so little entertainment that they are forced to travel to the other side of the virtual world in order to find some entertainment. My readers come here to share the uplifting and enlightening views expressed by the author and his many virtual friends, and to share in the spirit of love and peace that pervades this corner of the web.

There is no conspiracy to murder the Rolling Stones. Stories that they are too racy for sedate residents of Christchurch or Napier are to be dismissed. Just because it takes a band 40 years to realise that there is an untapped market of English (or something quite close) speakers to exploit entertain does not mean that the islands are a cultural backwater. New Zealand is a very with-it and trendy place. Only last year Shirley Bassey performed to record crowds (at the Rose and Crown in Invercargill). The fact that the world’s ‘number one hell-raiser’ could find nothing more exciting to do in New Zealand than fall out of a tree should be seen as a tribute to the country, not a source of cheap taunts.

The following recent extract from the archives of the BBC news service is in no way ‘quaint’ or ‘bizarre’:
Artist Sally Logue, from Kirkoswald, near Penrith, has been asked to produce portraits of photogenic pigs for the New Zealand Mint.

I do not ask for thanks for this defence of my colonial cousins. It is just an expression of my philanthropic nature.


Martha said...

Wahoo! We've made you a statue.

Mark Gamon said...

Hmmm. You managed to get through a whole post without mentioning sex. Is this a record?

I have a daughter in Rotaro... Rurutaoro...Rutaruru... Rotarymower... North Island somewhere, as we speak. So I'm quite glad to hear the tsunami didn't happen, if it's all the same to you...

Geoff said...

Shirley Bassey is the world's number one hellraiser?

So she's taken Sir Cliff's crown at last.

Vicus Scurra said...

What do you mean without mentioning sex? Wellington? Shirley Bassey? How much more filthy can it get?

Pauses for a few moments to consider whether to post comment and let whole thread flush down the same toilet that all the other ones have.
Oh, what the hell.

Prizes for the first obscene limerick begining:
There was a young girl from Rotorua.

fplyb - obscene knitting instruction.

Vicus Scurra said...

You see, there it goes, as soon as standards slip a little, along comes Geoff with insinuations about Shirl and Cliff. I am not sure what "taking someone's crown" entails, and would prefer not to know.
And that was even before I posted my reply to Mr Gamon.

Modesty prevents... said...

[Apparantly] pronounced Roto Roo-a

There was a young girl from Rotorua
Who liked a few lads go through her
Vicus tried, but went limp inside
So now's a watcher and not a do-er!

Vicus Scurra said...

You go out of your way to elevate, enlighten and educate, but there are some who are too firmly planted in the mire.

Richard said...

I am attempting to keep the tone up. When I was a very small child my parents were going to emigrate to New Zealand from Kent, presumably taking me with them. They didn't and I now live in Crewe. Keef has never fallen out of anything here (and I'm sure if he had, A & E at Leighton Hospital would have put paid to his 60 year lucky streak) and as far as I know, Cliff and Shirl have never played the Limelight. Everything is relative.

Mark Gamon said...

Thank you so much for explaining how to spell my travelling daughter's location, Vicus. I just looked it up on Google Earth and I now know she's not anywhere near the coast so I no longer fear the tsunami. However she is disturbingly close to what looks like a volcano. I wish I hadn't started this now.

Ratgqton. A place in New Zealand. Not a particularly salubrious or celebrated place, mind you. Just a place.

Mark Gamon said...

Richard - Keef has never played the Beehive in Hare Street, either. Mind you, he'd have to do it on his own - there wouldn't be room for the rest of them. Maybe Ron, but only if he played slide.

Richard said...

Gratuitous word verification post:

zoakro - I haven't decided but I just damn wish it was a word.

Lin said...

Vic, I remain in your debt. What with Caroline going all quiet for the next month, one couldn't be entirely sure if it was the tsunami or the Stones. I always check the Kaliyuga Kronicles for pertinent, timely, accurate news. Thank you, Vicus.

Cliff's dating?

Shirley? Wow! I'll spread the news.

raincoaster said...

Vicus, your first line has one too many syllables. You'll never be able to successfully limerate like that. The girl cannot be young, or if she's young she cannot be a girl. How about:

There was someone from Rotorua

? The filthiness possibilities are now extended considerably.

Vicus Scurra said...

My first line has exactly the right number of syllables. But not necessarily in the right order.
"A young person from Rotorua"

We do not bother about the laws of poetry here. This is not the Keats appreciation society. I thought that Modesty prevents did quite a good job - I bet T.S.Fucking Eliot never wrote nothing as funny as that.

Someone will have to explain to Tom what a limerick is, in case he shows up here. I sent him an acrostic sonnet in a Christmas Card once. Didn't know what one was, and didn't bother to look it up.

veffdrz - word verification that allows a degree of approximation.

Vicus Scurra said...

A young person from Rotorua
Had sex with Donald Dewar
He said "That was rude,
I have never screwed"
And denied that he ever knew her.

tom909 said...

Vicus, if I'd have realised that it was an acrostic sonnet I would have personally shoved it right up your arse. I am still suffering from flashbacks from that bloody thing - don't ever send me one again.

Mark Gamon said...

'A young girl who knew Rotorua...'

There. THAT scans. Please complete the limerick. I can't be bothered, but I'll be back to issue marks out of ten.

Geoff said...

An old girl who knew Rotorua
Once made hay with a dirty old brewer
Though she had a stoop
The old sod had the droop
So he used a big strap-on to do her.

Geoff said...

A farmer from old Rotorua
Put his foot in a pile of manure
It wasn't his nag's
But the local old hag's
Whose rhubarb had just gone straight through her.

Kyahgirl said...

geoff is a talented man!

Cherrypie said...

There was a young lady from Rotorua
Who dreamed of escaping to Cumbria
One look at the sheep
And the puddles so deep
She said "Bugger me. It's worse than bloody Kaliyuga"

uzaklzik - type of kebab eaten in Whakatane

Mark Gamon said...

Geoff is the winner. Mainly because he had the audacity to rhyme Rotorua with manure.

Sadly, Cherry Pie must be disqualified for blatant sucking up to the webmeister.

Mark Gamon said...

Oh sorry. Marks.

Geoff's first one: 6

Geoff's second one: 9

Cherry Pie's: 7 (D)

Geoff said...

What do I win?

How about this video?...

Apologies if you've seen it before.

Martha said...

Umm, probably a bit late to mention it now, but Rotorua is famous for smelling like rotten eggs. Well, sulphur really, which smells exactly like rotten eggs.

It may enhance the limericks to know that? Although I think Geoff's is brilliant, because Rotorua does smell like crap.

Vicus Scurra said...

Now you tell me. I spend hours sweating over prose to make the rest of the world think that NZ is some sort of fragrant utopia, and then you go and shit on your own doorstep.

Martha said...

Perhaps it is no accident that I forgot to mention the stink until now.

raincoaster said...

Damn, too late to cancel my tour booking. Blast it!