Friday, May 12, 2006

TCM at livescience report on another spectacular research project undertaken by our colleagues with O level Chemistry.

Their latest musings are about the reason for women outliving men. Their conclusion is that this is due to competing for a mate.

This makes perfect sense. Which of us (males that is) have not sustained serious injury by injudicious use of a deodorant? Have we not suffered horrendous, life-threatening paper cuts on birthday or valentine cards? Have we all not absorbed toxic chemicals through an excess of hair styling products? I myself have been subject to severe anxiety about my attractiveness – yes, I know it seems ridiculous (I can hear a chorus of “As if!” from all parts of the world), but I guess it is something in our genetic heritage.

Of course, the alternative reasons are simplistic and should be tossed aside with scorn. They certainly do not wear us down by feeding us fattening and addictive foods in order to get their hands on our insurance pay out. The very idea is preposterous. My epitaph will not be “The chapatis got him eventually”. Oh no.

The exception to this is that prize charlie Nasser Hussain. He will meet his death gruesomely at the hands of an irate viewer who has reached the boundaries of his tolerance for hearing the name of Mr Muralitharan pronounced incorrectly.

20 comments:

Pamela Troeppl said...

Thanks for the reminder. It's time to bake some deliciously fattening cookies for my dear hubby!

Kyahgirl said...

now now dear, you're being paranoid again! here, drink this nice refreshing beverage...what? don't mind the bitter taste...just a pinch of arsenic in there. good for your skin you know.

Vicus Scurra said...

Pamela. Don't waste your money. If you refer to any man as 'hubby' it will kill him with embarrassment faster than you can bake a bacon fried chocolate milkshake.

Richard said...

Vicus, you need to stay calm and divest yourself of Mr Murdoch's vile contraption and listen to BBC Sports Extra on the DAB wireless. Do not send that evil man any more money otherwise he will send you to an early grave. You could have been listening to Boycott,G actually telling a genuinely funny story about Ollie Milburn taking him to the Raymond Revuebar during a Lord's test.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard, old chap, utter twaddle. I don't think I could stand a day full of Gatting, Stewart and the idiot Blofeld. Boycott notwithstanding.

I think I shall buy my village and rename it "Boycott Notwithstanding".

raincoaster said...

I think Blofeld was the best Bond villain.

The real reason women outlive men is not fatty foods, not competition for a mate (anyone who thinks women don't do this has never been in the ladies' room of a nightclub on a Saturday night; you could die of hairspray fumes). It is that men will, ultimately, say one of: "I've always thought that made you look fat" or "You remind me of my mother" and still expect their food not to be laced with, say, sodium fluoroacetate.

Surprise!

Richard said...

I realise they can be spectacularly boring but Gatting wasn't too bad; Blofeld I can handle (just) and Alec Stewart mercifully stayed away apart from a short bit between innings and by and large it was OK. I have to endure because I wouldn't even waste money on a stamp sending Murdoch a Jiffy bag full of used toilet paper. The man is beneath contempt and I can't wait until Carphone Warehouse buys him out.

tom909 said...

Are we discussing women, cricket, or wireless's here?
The reason women live longer is because they are basically lazy and just sit there giving out the orders all day long; or is that just my missus?

Vicus Scurra said...

Raincoaster, loathe as I am to be critical, but the Blofeld comment was a bit too obvious for here. First there was Mark and the Basingstoke roundabouts, now this. Tut tut. And Henry, being the archetypal upper class twit throwback, is far scarier than anything in a Bond film.

Richard. I agree with you. I have, however, learnt the technique of putting pleasure before principles. I therefore get to see the Test Match, the Super 14, too much soccer, the latest series of Malcolm in the Middle, and have even more reasons not to exercise. I see that as helping Mrs S in her task of finishing me off early, and proving TCM right.

Tom, you can discuss whatever you want here, although I am surprised that you haven't reduced the thread to the scatological as yet. Or did your missus order you not to?

Vicus Scurra said...

Anyway, this morning Super 14, Test Match, two cup finals. Couch potato? Not likely, I have merged with the couch. Better get the undertaker to take the measurements including the couch (not that it would add very much).

Richard said...

Vicus, mark my words, it won't be the Lady Scurra finishing you off, you will die of blight.

What is Super 14? It sounds like something that will soon be outlawed by new EU legislation.

Ozamgvj - Hearts' next owner.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard.
3 out of 10.

nemyaslm - First Muslim to play in the Super 14s.

tom909 said...

Vicus, I am only too happy to reduce the thread to the scatological (now that I've looked up what it means). As you know only too well one of my prime areas of interest in this life, although not on a sexual level, is shite.
I think this is a hangover from my rather alarming brush with death due to an attack of amoebic dyssentry whilst in the Orient as a young man.
The huge spectrum of consistency that human faeces presents us with is surely a cause of fascination to all. Ranging from one of those shits where the turd is so hard that it actually causes excruciating pain on exit to, at the other extreme, where it fires out as if from a pressure washer etc etc....

Richard said...

If you don't tell me I'll have to resort to looking it up.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard, it is the southern hemisphere rugby competition where the top teams from NZ, Australia and South Africa compete.
Glad to be able to provide an educational resource.
What else would you like to know?

Richard said...

Yes, Thank you. I take it it's the number of teams involved and not a subtle rule change that allows the two codes to play an averaged out form of the game? I did actually go to the site and when I clicked on "rules" all I got was how the league points were awarded. It's an Australian site so I really wasn't expecting much anyway and I immediately withdrew none the wiser.

Vicus Scurra said...

Amazingly high standard of rugby. I will be watching Leicester make arses of themselves tomorrow afternoon, but don't expect the quality of the game to be anywhere NZ standards.

Richard said...

We will actually be in Leicester tomorrow but nowhere near Welford Road.

Richard said...

We drove past Welford Rd around 8pm and there were a surprising number of stragglers around considering the game had a 4pm kick-off.

Vicus Scurra said...

But what a game.
I would have stayed until 10.