Wednesday, May 24, 2006

This is one of the occasional articles written to provide comfort to those coming here looking for succour (I believe that is the spelling). I am grateful as ever to Theodore and Evadne Google for pointing these troubled brothers and sisters in this direction. Heaven knows where they would go were it not for me.

“Shag me till I bleed”

Well, perhaps, but I think that you ought to consider buying me dinner first. I also ought to warn you that, liberal as I may be, I am not entirely at ease with the concept of your harming yourself and my being a party to it. Perhaps, if dinner turns out to be pleasurable, we could start with handshaking until your wrist tingles; maybe hugging until your nipples stiffen. These are only suggestions. Frankly, none of them really appeal to me, but having been thrust into the public limelight as a refuge for the weary and the confused I ought to try to help wherever I can.

“Pomegranate trellis”

Good, a subject with which I am very conversant. You will need a sturdy trellis. I suggest you construct one using reinforced concrete, beech and the web of the Argentinian scrotum spider. Pomegranate plants grow to a height of 75 metres, and so your trellis will need to be at least 70 metres high. For best effect, have the trellis completely surround your house, and make sure to leave no gaps. There is nothing that a pomegranate likes less than a breeze up the inner thigh.

“Nipple tassles Vancouver

What can I say that is not already widely known on this subject? Perhaps you meant to ask about an anagram of this phrase – ‘Crap spineless vol-au-vent’ or ‘Passive convulsant leper’. Please let me know, and I will provide the answers.

By the way, Toasty is back.

25 comments:

Toasty Lundqvist said...

Well spotted, as people said to me throughout my adolescence.

MJ said...

Vancouver held a "Stripper Idol" contest last week. (No singing required.) That might explain the search for "nipple tassles Vancouver." I'm sure they were in great demand.

raincoaster said...

All kidding aside, the market for nipple tassels in Vancouver is quite competitive. Keeps the prices down.

tom909 said...

I sometimes worry that my warped, sordid and thoroughly disgusting mind will lose me my friend/s. Vicus your existence is greatly re-assuring to me - I am almost normal, aren't I!

Richard said...

Yes, Tom. When taken in context with the legions of nutters and pervs who seek out this page through the offices of google, you're quite normal.

Brutus said...

Its reassuring in these days of recycling to note that the effluent of the Argentinian scrotum spider assists in the growing of the Pomegranate plants and the Nipple tassles Vancouver keep the flies away.

Not too sure where the 'Shag me till I bleed' fits into the scheme of things but two out of three aint bad.

nnsjkup .. sauce made with pomgranate seeds.

Vicus Scurra said...

Toasty. That must have become quite tiresome.
MJ - always something going on in Vancouver. I don't know how you keep up.
Raincoaster. Please clarify whether this is good or bad. I am concerned.
Tom. You are the embodiment of normality.
Jack. I, too, am at a loss. I do not know how much shagging it takes to induce bleeding, nor from where, but I suspect that it helps in the reuse of a resource. If anyone does have this information, please understand that I do not need you to share it here.

zchshq - noise made prior to the commencement of bleeding.

Kyahgirl said...

you get the weirest searches Vicus. I'm so impressed with your knowledge on spiders too. Glad I came here today and expanded my mind :-)

Vicus Scurra said...

Kyahgirl. You are welcome. Just knowing that I helped will cause me to sleep peacefully tonight.

Cherrypie said...

Well that will save me hours looking up pomegranate trellising tonight. Any ideas where a girl would find nipple tassels in Lincolnshire?

Adam said...

"By the way, Toasty is back."

On a more somber note, I have written my first significant blog entry in a while.

jbgzvtpk- Russian Internet phrase used to mock extremely bad spelling. For example: "What is that jbgzvtpk you are producing, Commie91? Stop letting your cat walk across your keyboard."

Lin said...

Hey, I went to Vancouver last year and never spotted one nipple tassel shop or wearer and I was there for five whole (grey) days.

Vicus Scurra said...

Adam, my old pumpernickel, thanks for the warning. That goes along with "Stay away from the brown acid" as one of the major contributions to the catalog of significant humanitarian information messages. Readers (AMToNW) - I went there so that you didn't. The news is that he has found a spell checker, he even wrote something funny on his tag board, which was quite a shock, and the minimalist background is still there. As you can see from his comment here, Adam thinks the Russians are still commies. It will be some time (3 yugas) before he gets round to learning about the rest of the world in his college ("Ferrhn stuff" is the name of the course). At the moment he is learning to identify road kill.
Lin, please be more circumspect in letting the world know about visiting the less salubrious parts of the world. Although the fact that you come here is probably enough for the CIA to have a red file on you.

vtfden - very tall Finnish dentists eating nachos.

MJ said...

Lin: Yes it is grey here and that's why those colourful nipple tassels are getting snapped up! Had you contacted me first, I could have shown you where all the best nipple tassel supply stores are in Vancouver. We call them pasties here but I understand pasties are sommat you eat over there. This could be the source of much cultural confusion.

Mr VeryVeryBored said...

Hello Vicus, I get a worrying number of people requiring information about philandering, urinals and also a significant volume holding an unhealthy interest in Sarah Beeny's mammary glands. You should wear the eclecticism of the randomness of your referrals like a badge of honour!

Vicus Scurra said...

Hello Very.
I had to telephone Evadne Google to find out who Sarah Beeny was. (To save others the trouble, she is a television presenter on Channel 4) I would like to pursue the philosophical question of whether an interest in her tits is healthy or unhealthy. I suppose that it could be unhealthy if it threatened her in any way, but I suspect that as she chooses to wave them about on a channel not noted for its decorum, then she should not be surprised if they attract interest. Personally, I am not very interested, in either her tits or anything else on Channel 4 since they stopped showing the Sopranos, NYPD Blue and cricket.
I notice that your latest article focuses on unfunny legends on car stickers and elsewhere. At a previous place of employment I was presented by my staff on the day I left with a metal plaque with the inscription "You don't have to be mad to work here, just a cunt".
MJ please refrain from using the phrase "snapped up" in the context of nipples. It is a painful image that you create. Perhaps you could provide us with a map of nipple tassle emporia in BC.

Mark Gamon said...

PLEASE tell me you have a computer programme to help you come up with anagrams of 'nipple tassles vancouver'...

Indyvac. Doing the shake 'n vac to an indyrock soundtrack.

Betty said...

My parents-in-law are off to Canada for a whistlestop tour in a few weeks. They have already said that they'll be dressed in full cowboy gear when attending a rodeo. I was already dreading having to look through the post-holiday photo album. The thought of them clad only in nipple tassles in Vancouver has left me in a state of fear.

tom909 said...

Sarah Beeny's tits are surely worthy of comment if nothing else. I was a little surprised to read that she actually wanted to reduce them - what's that all about then?

A manager mark said...

http://www.wordsmith.org/anagram/index.html

Adam said...

Russian Communists? Huh?

Oh, yes. You're one of those aincent people who can still remember when the Soviet Union was in existence. My use of it there was merely a reference to the radicalism that abounds on the Internet, and the fact that there are still a few Commies left in Russia.

Knhamzwm- How a toungeless person says that he can't swim.

Cherrypie said...

Betty - let's hope they don't misinterpret the local lingo. Can you imagine the sight of a couple of Cornish Pasties taped to their chests?

yynealux - French Canadian goggles worn by the rich and famous to guard against nipple tassel whip

Vicus Scurra said...

Not only can I remember Russian Communism Adam, but I can also remember segregation in the southern United States, lynchings, KKK and stupid redneck dumbfucks. Thank goodness they have all gone, eh?

Thank you, Cherrypie, I am sure to get 200 new links thanks to your imagination.

Adam said...

You can remember segregation in the South? What did Lincoln's voice sound like?

htnjbnsq- Central American word for a fruit basket.

raincoaster said...

You needn't fear the appearance of your in-laws clad only in nipple tassels. As a previous poster has noted, they are water-soluble (ie are not visible on grey days) and if it's clear your in-laws will have easy access to pootie-tassels as well. Allow a local to suggest http://www.womynsware.com/ for all your tassel needs.

If they're into sight-seeing, the famous wall-o-strap-on's is not to be missed, nor the museum o' vibes.

You think I'm kidding, don't you?