Thursday, June 15, 2006

And the winner is:

I swear on the grave of Herbert Sutcliffe that I am not making this up.

I think it is a winner, and can barely conceive of anything more unlikely to happen in this universe or any other.

I refer to the question of the person who came to me, referred by Theodore and Evadne Google, with the phrase - wait for it:

(Are you really, really ready?)

“why do testicles seem to be more relaxed in th evening” (sic)

Perhaps some one from the north of England, given the missing “e”.

I think that this merits some comment.

Normally, I would challenge the premise that testicles are more relaxed in the evening, but suspect that in order to prove or disprove this hypothesis, I would be required to perform some intimate physical examination of the enquirer. I feel loathe to do this, at least until they have shown some commitment to our relationship. Therefore I propose to take their word that testicles are inclined to show or experience a lesser degree of stress in the latter part of the day.

I must confess I have never noticed, nor been tempted to scrutinise (scrotumise?) the said organs. Mine, anyone else’s or those belonging to the fauna of North East Hampshire.

So I can only assume that, in general, testicles absorb some of the stress that is inevitably generated as we grudgingly go about our daily routine. When we get home in the evening, and put our feet up in front of the television, or with a good book (several in Pavlov’s case), then the stress dissipates to varying degrees.

Perhaps, however, our enquirer (if you come back please introduce yourself, and your bollocks, to us all), already knows the answer to this question and is just testing the rest of humanity. Perhaps he has devised a routine for relaxing this particular body part. Maybe he has a special place to rest them. Perhaps he applies some soothing balm – camomile or oil of pyracantha, for example. Perhaps he has a CD of ball-soothing music. Will we ever know?

What, I feel obliged to ask, are the symptoms of being less relaxed during the day that he has observed? Do they not adapt to movement, and perhaps feel abused by being bashed from thigh to thigh as he sashays about his place of employment? Does he wear constricting clothes that prevent their swinging freely in the way that God intended?

And, why, in the name of buggery, does he care why they seem to be more relaxed in the evening?

I am sure that this is a topic that none of you can ignore. Even those of you unencumbered by male genitalia will not be able to resist.

Is there an award for most interesting blog thread? I claim the gold medal.

26 comments:

MJ said...

If bollocks are relaxing at the end of the day, can we also assume they're spreading?

Afterall, it's a known fact that feet spread if you stand on them all day. And they also swell slightly throughout the day. That's why they suggest you shop for shoes at the end of the day to get a correct fit.

If this theory holds true, you'd need to shop for jockstraps at the end of the day as well.

Richard said...

He's right as well. Top spot, too. That should bring hundreds of punters in.

Martha said...

I really can't think of anything to say about this topic. I'm sorry.

Pamela Troeppl said...

I've never found male genitalia to be cumbersome.

Other than that personal revelation, I have nothing to add to this burning question.

Vicus Scurra said...

mj, if you, or someone else is standing on your bollocks all day, then I think that that may be a matter for criminal investigation. Even in Canada.
Pamela. Burning? Burning?

KAZ said...

Speaking as someone from th North, I'd like to point out that we never relax any part of our body. We're always too busy down th pit or up th mill.

jromer said...

all i know is that they move slowly in your sleep.
not across the room or anything. but they do move. roll.

tom909 said...

I'm rather dissappointed at how short a time we had to discuss literature - I was just getting into it. Now you're onto this thread about ralaxing your bollocks, a subject that co-incidentally I do know a lot about.

Vicus Scurra said...

JRomer and Tom. Please be more circumspect when using the term "your". I am unsure whether you are making generalisations, or if you have an intimate knowledge of me about which I knew nothing.

And Tom, we can easily turn this thread into a literary one. Thomas Hardy devoted a whole chapter to the topic of gonadial relaxation therapy in "Tess of the d'Urbervilles". Did you ever wonder what a durberville was?

gsuza - testicular resting implement mentioned by in 'Washington Square'. Particularly useful remedy for the malformation of the niagaras complaint known as "Washington Square".

Interpreter Pavlov said...

...and indeed into an operatic thread: one of the great mysteries of operatic history is what happened to the Gilbert and Sullivan rude one-acter called The Sods, which featured the Bollox Brothers and a certain Scrotum, a wrinkled retainer?

I ask this question confident that many intimates of this blog will have these matters at their fingertips.

MJ said...

Why does everyone think I'm a bloke? You're the third this week. In fact, I've no balls at all. Would a bloke say such a thing?

Vicus Scurra said...

mj, I am guilty, not of not knowing your gender, but of the injudicious use of the word 'your' in my reply. I have already reprimanded others for this mistake, so I am without defence.
Apologies for giving that impression.

More of Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan later, Pavlov.

Dave said...

Cox and Box was one of theirs. 'Box' being a piece of cricket equipment used in the groinal region. 'Cox', is of course an euphamism.

homo escapeons said...

As long as my boys have not been recently impacted by a foreign object, kept warm, dry and unshaven, they are generally a pleasure to lug about and are always quite relaxed.

Personally I have decided to have a testicle 'tuck' before I get to the Old Folks Home.
While other gentlemen drag their bits under the wheels of their IV holders, I, with my gown wide open, shall proudly swing down the hall, generously exposing them to all of the bemused staff, embarrased visitors and shagadelic fellow inmates of the opposite sex.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes HE, it is nice to have an aim in life.
(What do your friends call you, by the way, 'Homo' might seem inappropriate?)

homo escapeons said...

LOL! funny guy!
I deserve that.
HE and Donnie prevail.
HOMO(man)is fine, I eschew political correctness whenever possible and I am not gay*.

*seinfeldian disclaimer
"not that there is anything wrong with that"
Damnit there goes the whole PC thing!

Carmenzta said...

This is yet another subject about which I know nothing. Depressing, this blogging... And I was under the mistaken impression that I was a well-rounded individual. No pun intended, of course.

ebnat - Have to look this one up on wikipedia.

raincoaster said...

All I can say is that they always seem to tense up when I'm around.

tom909 said...

tense up as in 'ready for action', or as in 'fuck me, I'm out of here'. Two very different testicular states.

tom909 said...

Vicus, you've done tits, now you've done bollocks. I hardly dare ask what's coming next. Is there no end to your increasingly callous drive towards being a successful blogista.
You should take a leaf out of my book and stick to foals, babies and football and get hardly any fucker commenting.

Vicus Scurra said...

Well Tom, following the current trends, it would appear that the next will either be the one that they say you talk out of, or the one that they say you are.
If anyone has a particular favourite body part that they would like to be discussed here, please let me know. I have interesting things to say about kneebones.

jezjq - the bit inside the chest that prevents nipples from falling off.

Dave said...

How about a discussion along the lines of: 'Nasal and ear hair. Why?'

Vicus Scurra said...

To keep small animals out.
Next.

Richard said...

Spleens. You've got one, it ruptures and they take it out. You're still OK. Whassthatallaboutthen?

Vicus Scurra said...

There is a simple ekspleenation (geddit?).
The spleen does some basic housework in the body.
You are a man.
You do not notice if things get dirty.
This does not mean that cleaning is not important.

gjesy - member of the male sex with a predisposition to spring cleaning.

Richard said...

This is good. You're sounding much like the efficient physician who told Sharon she was recovering from a mystery illness two weeks before her intestines exploded.