Saturday, June 10, 2006

Clever puns only, please

I was delighted just now to see that my old friends Theodore and Evadne Google had directed a seeker in this direction again. Thanks Theo. This searcher for truth had typed the phrase “fucking world cup”. This web site was quite highly placed on the results page because I used that phrase just a few days ago.

I think that I should clarify. I was referring to the current soccer tournament taking place in Germany. I have no knowledge of a world championship competition for the act of sexual intercourse. However, as my readers (AMToNW) have always shown an interest that encroaches on the parameters of good taste in activities that are less than savoury, I see no harm in expanding on the features of such a competition.

There would be categories for couples and for individuals.

When I say individuals, I do not mean that the competition should involve their fucking themselves (unless their name was Blair), but that they would enter the competition without prior experience of their appointed partner.

Points would be awarded for endurance, facial expression, noise, athleticism, posture, fluidity of movement, movement of fluids and having big tits (ladies only).

The competition would, initially at least, be heterosexual and involve only members of the human race. This is not intended to be discriminatory or judgemental, but simply an attempt to draw boundaries somewhere.

I think I will leave it there. I am sure there will be no shortage of suggestions to further define the rules and procedures.

The tournament could represent the chance for people of the world, irrespective of race, culture or political ideology to unite in the joyous expression of humanity. (Anyone trying to use the phrase “coming together” in the comments section will be penalised)


raincoaster said...

No, no, no, no. You've completely misunderstood. He's a trophy fetishist who was looking for how-to tips. It's not "the fucking world cup" it's a verb!!!! Duh. The poor man probably wanted help on how to avoid bruising or something.

Go on, pretend like you don't have trophy fetishists over there.

Brutus said...

Comment deleted in deference to word verification.

npwfaw .. Endurance Test?

Not Puking While Fucking Ann Widdecombe

Brutus said...

Sorry Vicus, I've just realised ..

"The competition would, initially at least, be heterosexual and involve only members of the human race"


MJ said...

It's not uncommon for hockey players to take the Stanley Cup to bed with them. So I'd have to agree with Raincoaster's theory on trophy fetishism.

And you simply can't have a good sex competition without the gays so please reconsider your no homos policy.

Pamela Troeppl said...

Since I'm in the mood to be penalized, I'm going to say it. Coming together.

Do your worst.

Geoff said...

The scoring sounds a bit too much like ice skating to me and I don't want to watch Torvill and Dean all over again.

Dave said...

I have nothing tasteful to say.

KAZ said...

Oh Vicus, I'm so disappointed in you. I wanted us to respect each other as intellectuals, but now I see that you are only interested in ladies with big tits.
Let me tell you that skinny chicks are the very best when it comes to 'fluid movements or moving fluids'!

Frontier Editor said...

There should also be a commercial aircrew competition, flying United.

Frontier Editor said...

And for those more interested in group sex, a "social intercourse" category is advisable.

raincoaster said...

I am not only interested in big tits. Or there carriers

I've had a few offers from men who were interested in carrying mine, but I turned down most of them.

And have you seen the Stanley Cup? Hawt! No wonder it's slept around. And have you seen Mark Messier? Some of us wish we were the Stanley Cup.

Vicus Scurra said...

Geoff, over the months I have done my best to maintain standards of decorum and propriety here. I do not expect, therefore, to have the words "Torvill and Dean" liberally sprinkled while my back is turned.

Dave: having nothing tasteful to say is almost a prerequisite for commenting here. We are your friends.

Kaz, I am not only interested in big tits. Or their carriers. I have a broad, and some might say, bizarre, concern about many matters.

Cherrypie said...

Penisaled = a condition caused by too much Dutch Courage ( or any other regional beer from that particular brewery) resulting in a drop in performance, may lead to a contestant being penalised, or cuckolded

Richard said...

Is there a governing body for this event? A congress Congress?

Frontier Editor said...

Ah, if there was a World Cup for this sort of thing, India would be a natural for the final celebration because they already have a Congress Party.

Frontier Editor said...

And Steely Dan could adapt one of their older songs to the anthem for the competitions

"Kama Sutra
gonna take me by the hand
Kama Sutra
gonna take me by the hand
Gonna show me
the charms of her Japan,
the STD's of China
Gonna show me
gonna show me . . ."

raincoaster said...

Is this the appropriate place to mention that Whistler has its own strain of genital warts?

Who says Canadians are not friendly?

Vicus Scurra said...


raincoaster said...

Ah, outpatients the world over would disagree!

Kyahgirl said...

raincoaster? how interesting!

*crosses Whistler off the 'possible skiing venues' list*

Vicus Scurra said...

I am so, so grateful that none of you thought that the comment "And does his mother know about this" would be funny.