I should first of all make it quite clear that I am not picking favourites.

Each one of you is very dear to my heart in your own unique and disturbed way.

However, I must say thank you to raincoaster, firstly for the best comment I have seen for some time – go to Boris’s and look for mustard. (Now. And no silly remarks). Secondly, for her little thread about lessons from history. Without wishing to be disrespectful, the lessons that she has selected from a historian called Charles Beard are complete nonsense and should be dismissed along with so much of the rest of the insanity peddled by historians. Historians should not be grouped with physicists who are the purveyors of absurd religious doctrines that make no sense, but they do have their own little corner reserved for them in the crazy room.

The first point to make is that there is no point in having any lessons from history if we refuse to, or are incapable of, learning them. Evidence: the re-election of George W. Bush.

Secondly, by its very nature history is not something that we can experience at first hand. Form 3b will not be going on a field trip to the battle of Lechfeld. They might go the site of the battle. They might see a lot of old stuff. They might, if they are lucky get to re-enact the battle. They will not, almost certainly, get to meet Otto the Great or Henry, duke of Bavaria. There is not a chance that they will ever know what it was like to be attacked by 50,000 magyars. This is a shame, because Form 3b are a bunch of annoying little bastards, and a sharp spear or two up the rectum might do them all a world of good.

One of my history teachers had a joke about the Holy Roman Empire. “There are three things to remember about the Holy Roman Empire, it was not holy, it was not Roman, and it was not an empire”. It would have been unfair to say that one of my history teachers had a joke and not qualify it - he may have had other jokes, but I was asleep on those days. The point is that that is as funny as history ever got. You can call your leaders Charles the Bald, you can have events referred to as “the defenestration of Prague”, but no matter how you tart it up, none of it relates to anything else and is therefore lacking in the potential to amuse.

So what, dear readers, can we learn from history? I suggest the following.

1. Don’t offer tea to Americans. It is too sophisticated a beverage for their palate.
2. If you have a bunch of religious nutters that you want shut of, by all means put them in a boat and send them somewhere distant, but at least make sure that they do not arrive there – they will fuck the new place up. Try drilling a few holes in the boat.
3. Don’t go to Moscow in the winter. If the Sainsbury’s truck can’t get through to help restocking the shelves, then you are going to get a little peckish by the second month.
4. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Do not follow the example of that daft tart queen Elizabeth II of England and think that the souvenir from Ramsgate that makes an amusing farting noise is charming and an indication of the suitability of the donor as a mate. Your offspring will be cretins.
5. Do not interrupt the inhabitants of Devon when they are playing games. They are very touchy. They get cross very easily. Best let them finish before conducting any business, such as buying scones or conducting massive sea battles.
6. Organise your diary a bit better. You will not be at your best if you choose to fight the Norwegians on Friday in Yorkshire and the French on Tuesday in Sussex. Have a bit of a nap in between.
7. If you have a young son called Attila, the best course of action is not to force him to go to Rome during his summer holidays, let him get on with playing his video games. Otherwise he might develop a bit of a grudge.

(That’s enough crap examples: Ed.)

Over to you. Prizes for the more obscure references.