Sunday, June 25, 2006

A plea for a more wholesome future

I have just got off of the telephone to Theodore Google, whose breakfast I interrupted in order to let him know, in no uncertain terms (does that sound like John Major?), what I thought of his latest little wile.

I am still not entirely happy with his insistence that visitors who search for a well known female athlete and her propensity for public defecation, the nature, size and photographic evidence of the chest of some fourth rate Neanderthal tv presenter of whom I have never heard, or the performance of public acts of an intimate nature in various UK locations should be sent my way. Regular readers (aMToNW) will recall that none of these items were originated by me, but were the result of irresponsible commenting.

Anyway, as I was saying, as if that were not enough, I am now plagued by some pervert looking for “Mr Seduction – Kansas City”. As if! As bollocky if! Unlike some, I do not swan around the globe looking for sordid sexual gratification. I find no need to, thank you very much. I get more than ample experiences of that kind from the crazed harpies who pursue me here (if the cap fits ….). I do not need my well earned vacation time sullied by Penelope Cruz look-alikes leaping out at me from every corner as I leisurely go about my lack of business. I may or may not have a passport in the name of ‘Mr Seduction’, but if I do, I shall not be using it on this trip.

I need some privacy.

I know exactly how Madonna feels, and how many of you can say that?

30 comments:

Martha said...

I'm like a virgin, so I can say it.

Frontier Editor said...

I don't wear "Trouble" game pieces on my nipples, so I can't say it.

mozkza - something Trotsky used to mutter under his breath while motivating Red Army troops in 1919.

raincoaster said...

How many of us have felt Madonna? I would guess only Mr Seduction – Kansas City himself.

How did she feel? And how do you feel when I tell you that Penelope Cruz is gay?

(should be good for some entertaining new searches)

Sharon J said...

Putting John Major and sexual gratification in the same post could lead to some interesting queries.

Vicus Scurra said...

Raincoaster, I must admit I was surprised that it was you who fell into my "feeling Madonna" trap.
I guess that deserves a response to your Penelope Cruz query. How do I feel? Slimy.

Frontier Editor said...

Oops, I meant "Headache" game pieces. "Trouble" pieces are blunt and cylindrical. "Headache" pieces are, of course, conical.

My bad.

Frontier Editor said...

Penelope Cruz is gay? Guess I missed that issue of People, eh?


ppnuzys - sound effects in a Chuck Norris movie.

homo escapeons said...

I have never felt Madonna but I have wondered how she feels...about important issues of course?

Google is a GarbInGarbOut slave to the Lowest Com Denom. Subsequently one will experience a great deal of frusrtation whilst searching for information on the Left Nostril Inhaler!

raincoaster said...

Well, what I heard was Penelope was shacking up with Salma Hayek, which would make two-thirds of a sandwich many men wouldn't mind making. So to speak. Good luck to you, but then, as Mr Seduction – Kansas City, you won't need it.

Dave said...

You will be back by Saturday, won't you? I've got you pencilled in to open the batting. Nets are on Thursday, by the way.

Pamela Troeppl said...

I've changed my travel plans to include Kansas City. Vicus dear, where shall we meet?

kat said...

Hold on-which one played Frida Kahlo? Or is being the ex-girlfriend of Tom Cruise enough to turn one?

As to how Madonna feels, I had no idea she did. To me this is like asking a Brit how often Jordan changes, her, uh, bra, yes, that's it, her bra. She's 47 years old, still thinks she's a boytoy, well, she may have a point with the latest hubby, and has the emotional development that rivals an inbred toy poodle. The poodle may have the edge there. But then, I suppose to the gentlemen here that's neither here nor there.

And Pamela, I'd have to insist on sharing, but since I will never go back to KC even by accident, I graciously accede.

Raincoaster, many thanks, but I took training at the feet of a pro, my mother, god rest her soul. If there could be an Olympic Sarcasm Team, she would have been team captain.

Dyna Girl said...

I only flew OVER KC. That was plenty; especially thanks to the leathery cowboy who sat in the aisle seat next to me and said, "Honey, I'd like tuh tie a rope that ring in yer nose and lead you 'round.".

Yes, DO leave your Mr. Seduction passport at home, unless, of course, you like hefty flourescent-clad ladies shy a tooth or two.

jromer said...

vicus, be careful, you'll easily break hearts where you go. my friend jeff went to school in kansas city so even though he isn't from there, he bristles when anyone knocks it. i'm not saying this about just the midwest. i'm saying this about the world in general. you're witty, you're intelligent and you know just when to slap and tickle. you're a rarity. gay or not, penelope cruz lookalikes will follow you round like starved beasts well because, 'ain't much else going on.'

Interpreter Pavlov said...

Slap and tickle? Vicus, I wouldn't have thought it of you. I would have you were a man of the Approach Subtle, followed by the Spring Sudden. Even Mrs Pavlova, who has been to both Hampshire and Kansas City in her time, raised a delectable eyebrow. If you need bail we'll pass the hat round. (jromer is excused on the grounds of poverty after that parking fine.)

What a time you're going to have.

Cherrypie said...

Is it just me or can you hear Mr Boombastic background music whenever you visit this blog?

Vicus Scurra said...

You see, everyone, Mrs Pavlova has been to Kansas City. That must make it one of the cultural hotspots of the Northern Hemisphere.

Frontier Editor said...

The lost line from Carl Sandburg's writings on the Midwest: While Chicago is the slaughterhouse of the world, Englishmen make Kansas City the world's meatmarket.

jromer said...

delectable eyebrow. lucky girl.

tom909 said...

Ah Vicus, I am so pleased that you are at last making an effort to promote a more wholesome future. By now you have no doubt realised the enormity of the task. The human race is indeed unchallenged in its ability to spend time in the gutter at every given opportunity.
I am sure like me, you long for the day when we can all spend our lives gardening and listening to classical music. For the last forty years I have fought against the evil forces of sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll, alas to no avail. Good Luck my fellow crusader.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, your words of warmth and support bring tears to my eyes.

lupluphp - the sound of tears cascading down the cheeks. Not paid for in cash.

Richard said...

I have changed the link to this house on my blog. This will encourage many callers to your door during your absence, I am certain.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, Richard, thank you. I can hardly wait to find out who you send to me. Of course, they will have had to find their way to you first, and therefore my expectations of them will not be too high.

Richard said...

I don't know about that, I think they may be more discerning than you imagine. For instance, yesterday I had somebody find me by searching Yahoo for "Granny Porn Sites". They were obviously very determined as I gave up trying to find where I featured on the list of results after 15 pages.

raincoaster said...

Just how many pages of Granny Porn Sites are there?

See, Vicus, TWO mentions. Now you'll outrank Richard on that particular search. You're welcome.

Kyahgirl said...

what exactly to you mean by "the crazed harpies who pursue me here"

????

be very, very careful in how you answer that!

Anonymous said...

Raincoaster, 7,030,472.
Two of them do not feature you.
Kyahgirl, whatcha gonna do? Pursue me?

raincoaster said...

Pursue sexual gratification with anonymous persons online? We don't indulge in that kind of behaviour 'round these parts.

We go to Kansas City and await a personal appearance by "Mister Seduction."

tom909 said...

Vicus, this thread is descending into anarchic chaos. Step in now and get it back onto the path of righteousness before all hell breaks out.

raincoaster said...

tom, for the record the word is "Deontologist" not "Dermatologist." He can't do anything if Hell breaks out.