Monday, June 12, 2006

Some further words of advice for some of my dear visitors who have made their way here via the offices of a search engine.

sarah beeny TITS

Someone mentioned this young lady and her busty substances in one of the comments here. Alas, I have no idea who she is. It is quite likely that she does have tits. I hope that if she wants some, then she has some, and that they are of the requisite number, volume, shape and texture for her. If you have come here looking for pictures of the unclothed female form, then you will be disappointed. I did once publish a rather bizarre photograph of the late princess Diana, but apart from that, the only major celebrity ever likely to appear topless here will be Zoe. It is only a matter of time.

Pomegranate plants.

I hope that this should not have read “pomegranate ‘plants” and therefore be a further reference to the extraordinary mammaries of Ms Beeny. I hope that she had the wisdom not to implant pomegranates or any other fruit into her breasts in order to make herself more attractive. It does not work. Remember George Michael.

Otherwise, please refer to an authority on middle eastern agriculture. The pomegranate is not native to North East Hampshire. Neither am I.

metropolis ill nudist colony

If you were hoping to find your way to Metropolis Illinois, then you are damned close. I am the nearest thing that there is to a superhero in North East Hampshire. In order to combat crime and misery, I take on a number of guises “Pedant Boy”, “Fat Bastard Man”, “Gloria Hunniford” and several others. Readers (aMToNW) - what would be the best superhero name for me? There are several nudist colonies in North East Hampshire, including the village of Oakhanger, where it is traditional to remove ones clothes at the village boundary.

If, however, you are concerned about diseases that affect only naturists in large cities, then I suggest that you read about “McIlroy’s disease” , “Wind borne knob rot”, or “Minnesota navel worm”. There are several other afflictions in this category, but some of my more delicate readers may not want to consider them while they take breakfast.

24 comments:

KAZ said...

Vicus - It's that obsession again. I hear that Ms Beeny is soon to join up with Bill Oddie to do a programme about renovating nest boxes. Your searcher was obviously looking for Blue tits.
Or in Sarah Beeny's case probably 'Great Tits'.

tom909 said...

Vicus, you are uncanny, yet again your post allows me to share some observations with your readership on a subject with which I am extremely familiar.
I challenge you, yes, even you Vicus, to watch an episode of Property Ladder and not fixate on Sarah Beeny's tits. Needless to say it is one of the most successful property programmes on TV in terms of viewing figures, and if I may say so myself, for very good reason. Sarah does have extensive knowledge of house renovation and is a superb judge of the property market.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, yes, I plan to spend many happy hours watching all of the delightful and informative television programmes about property upkeep, selling and renovation. I will be making a list of the names of all of the thieving capitalist bastards who appear on it, and they will be first up against the wall when the revolution comes.
It is gratifying to know that Ms Beeny will provide a more than ample target for the squad.
Bloody people with their "I bought my house for 1 penny and 3 farthings in 1958 and now it's worth 2 squillion pesetas". They can all fuck off.

raincoaster said...

In all fairness the red-headed one did look a bit like Alice Springs.

I don't know how well they cover the UK property market, but if you're interested in successfully viewing figures you can't do better than Naked News

Vicus Scurra said...

Raincoaster. I get blamed for all of this naughty stuff that appears in the comments.
The UK is a pioneer of such media breakthroughs. Have you not heard of "Peter Sissons"?

hewewhl - reaction to seeing "BBC Nude News"

David said...

How about 'The Logorrheac' as a superhero name? It comes with built-in wankiness.

The 'Fat Bastard Man' does have a lot to recommend it but.

Vicus Scurra said...

David! Just when we were getting on so well! I infer that you are accusing me of using too many words. I am reminded of the play "Amadeus" where someone made a similar accusation about Mozart and notes. Your comment is in the same category. I would have you know that each word here is carefully selected, nurtured and located, with the result of the kind of prose composition that is somewhere between orgasmic and heavenly.

Pamela Troeppl said...

There is a difference between orgasmic and heavenly?

Vicus, I hope your super hero self wears a cape and tights, or how else will we know that you are a hero?

Mark Gamon said...

Nobody even READS my blog. Let alone arrives there via someone else's tits. Pout.

Vicus Scurra said...

Now, everyone, tiptoe over to Mark's and put all of the disgusting filth that usually is dropped off here into his comment box, and then maybe he will take over the responsibility to hosting every pervert in the known universe.

wazmx - an extremely large wassock, of the sort coming over here to look for pictures of Anthony Eden rogering a traffic warden.

Interpreter Pavlov said...

'Amadeus'? It was Hapsburg Emperor Joseph II at the 1782 première of The Abduction from the Seraglio: 'Far too many notes, my dear Mozart'. But he didn't know what he was talking about. Keep the words coming, Vicus. Let them flow like mothers' milk.

David said...

Vicus! Tsk tsk, I am not accusing you of using too many words, merely a lot of them. Nothing wrong with that. The comment on the thieving capitalist bastards was excellent, and could do with a few more adjectives even.

The great thing about 'The Logorrheac' as a superhero name is that it incorporates the super-power you see.

I am highly disappointed that I am the only person to suggest a superhero name however. Shame on you, fellow comment leavers.

Vicus Scurra said...

David, I think when you have settled in a little longer you will realise that my public already sees me as a superhero, and no amount of fancy costumes will enhance my power.
You are settling in quite nicely here, thank you.

Interpreter Pavlov said...

David: Does our superhero (daren't ask him directly or he'll have me writing a dissertation for him) plan to have a sidekick, like Batman with Robin or Harris Tweed with Boy (he'll pick up that reference if he wasn't a Beano/Dandy fan) or Tintin with his dog Milou? We can't begin to think of names until we have this vital information. Also, does he have an allergy to chain mail?

Vicus Scurra said...

David, in anticipation of a question that may be forthcoming.
Perhaps "Doesn't answer indirect questions" man, and his loyal assistant Sycophant Boy. Or Girl. I'm not fussy.

Brutus said...

Using Davids line of thought I think the ad I've just seen boasting of 'super power' and 'cutting edge' might suggest a super hero name for Vicus ...

'Flymo Man'


dditp .. size of Sarah Beeny's bra

Interpreter Pavlov said...

I believe today is the anniversary in 1815 of the battle of Quatre Bras, which is possibly what Sarah Beeny has to wear. It all links up, doesn't it?

Vicus Scurra said...

IP.
I don't know whether it links up, or what 'it' is in the context of the mammary organs of the lady with whom I have never had contact.
I defer, of course, to your knowledge of history.

homo escapeons said...

what a hoot!
Naturally I will now waste the rest of the day searching Google images for sarah beeny Tinting Interior Table Settings.

Of the annoying 12 billion home improvement shows currently being aired in Canada her pomegranates are unable for oggling..unlike Nigella's muffins on the Food channel.

Vicus Scurra said...

HE. What a hoot indeed. At least you had the good grace not to say 'What hooters'.
I detect the mellow tones of another Canadian.
You seem to be the sort of idiot who will blend in well here.
Welcome, make yourself comfortable. You will know some of the others already.

zed said...

and to think that had i been closer, i could have flashed my tits at robbie last night. he did ask ever so nicely, too.

Vicus Scurra said...

Zoe.
We are all here.
Flash them for us.

tom909 said...

I'm struggling here. I really don't want to descend to the level of discussing SBs tits, but at the same time I am desperate to make a contribution to this mighty organ.
Is there some way we can rescue this post from the gutter, and somehow swing it back to a discussion on literature, so that I can join in.

Mark Gamon said...

Tom - Boris Johnson has instigated a discussion on literature (sort of) on his site. He's gone barking mad, but you may find it an entertaining place to drop a comment.

Vic - thank you for the support. I like Boris's style, but we can't let him get away with that.

As an aside, will somebody PLEASE tell me who Sara Beeny is?

Udkjfki. Polish for a last-minute injury time goal that ejects your team from the World Cup. Usually found only on the dimunitive form Udkj, the full Udkjfki being reserved for those occasions when said goal is scored by a team from Germany.