And it's one, two, three what are we experimenting for?

TCM.

I love them. They are barmy beyond the bounds of belief.

Here are a few unordered observations about the Horizon programme called “The Six Billion Dollar Experiment”.

I note that some roads in Geneva are named after scientists. They call these roads, for example, “A. Einstein” and “I. Newton”. This is because they do not want to confuse us, and lead us to believe that they have named streets after Kevin Einstein or Britney Newton. They need not have bothered, Einstein and Newton have a lot to answer for, and I would prefer that they go unrecognised.

For those of you who do not know about the “BHC”, I will explain a little. They have built a circular 27 kilometre tunnel, 100 metres below the surface near the French/Swiss border. They are filling it with the stuff of scientific experiments – Bunsen burners, pipettes, magnets and the intestines of frogs – at least that was the sort of stuff we used when I last studied science. Things cannot have changed that much. BHC stands for “Big Hadron Collider”. The Big refers to the collider rather than the hadron. Hadrons are very small indeed. Call me a cynic, but why do they need to bother to describe this monstrosity as “Big”. What are they going to do if this experiment fails? Build a “Huge Hadron Collider”, a “Fucking Enormous Hadron Collider”? A “So Pigging Gigantic Hadron Collider That Even Thinking About How Colossal It Is Will Make Your Ears Bleed”?

Now, here’s the thing: they are attempting to create conditions that might have existed in the very early stages of the universe. This all assumes, of course, that their silly theories about the Big Bang are anything like correct. Daft sods. They are attempting to get protons to collide with each other, something that doesn’t happen much, apparently. Protons are very polite, and move out of the way when they see another one approaching. Should they be successful they may even produce black holes. Reassuringly, they tell us that these black holes will disappear as soon as they are created, and that the creation of a black hole capable of sucking in the experiment, France, Switzerland, the Earth and our galaxy is “almost impossible”. That’s alright then. What a bloody relief. The destruction of the earth in November, when Phil Tufnell cuts the ribbon to open the BHC and protons start rushing at each other, would drastically interfere with the project that I am employed to complete, and may even lead to its cancellation.

The questions that may be answered include:

• What happened in the first second of the universe?
• Which twat decided that it would be a good idea to give these buffoons 6 billion dollars (that is nearly 10 quid at current exchange rates) to build a toy capable of destroying the earth?

My theory is that if the Big Bang theory is anything like accurate, then our universe was created by a bunch of scientists in Zimbabwe or Milton Keynes, who managed to build a machine capable of destroying their own universe and spilling all of the matter and energy in it into a new one. This happens every 14 billion years or so – the time it takes for matter to evolve into sentient beings capable of fucking everything up in a very big way.

This is all because Orson Welles pissed off the Swiss with his cuckoo clock line. They never could take a fucking joke.