Wednesday, May 02, 2007

And it's one, two, three what are we experimenting for?


I love them. They are barmy beyond the bounds of belief.

Here are a few unordered observations about the Horizon programme called “The Six Billion Dollar Experiment”.

I note that some roads in Geneva are named after scientists. They call these roads, for example, “A. Einstein” and “I. Newton”. This is because they do not want to confuse us, and lead us to believe that they have named streets after Kevin Einstein or Britney Newton. They need not have bothered, Einstein and Newton have a lot to answer for, and I would prefer that they go unrecognised.

For those of you who do not know about the “BHC”, I will explain a little. They have built a circular 27 kilometre tunnel, 100 metres below the surface near the French/Swiss border. They are filling it with the stuff of scientific experiments – Bunsen burners, pipettes, magnets and the intestines of frogs – at least that was the sort of stuff we used when I last studied science. Things cannot have changed that much. BHC stands for “Big Hadron Collider”. The Big refers to the collider rather than the hadron. Hadrons are very small indeed. Call me a cynic, but why do they need to bother to describe this monstrosity as “Big”. What are they going to do if this experiment fails? Build a “Huge Hadron Collider”, a “Fucking Enormous Hadron Collider”? A “So Pigging Gigantic Hadron Collider That Even Thinking About How Colossal It Is Will Make Your Ears Bleed”?

Now, here’s the thing: they are attempting to create conditions that might have existed in the very early stages of the universe. This all assumes, of course, that their silly theories about the Big Bang are anything like correct. Daft sods. They are attempting to get protons to collide with each other, something that doesn’t happen much, apparently. Protons are very polite, and move out of the way when they see another one approaching. Should they be successful they may even produce black holes. Reassuringly, they tell us that these black holes will disappear as soon as they are created, and that the creation of a black hole capable of sucking in the experiment, France, Switzerland, the Earth and our galaxy is “almost impossible”. That’s alright then. What a bloody relief. The destruction of the earth in November, when Phil Tufnell cuts the ribbon to open the BHC and protons start rushing at each other, would drastically interfere with the project that I am employed to complete, and may even lead to its cancellation.

The questions that may be answered include:

  • What happened in the first second of the universe?
  • Which twat decided that it would be a good idea to give these buffoons 6 billion dollars (that is nearly 10 quid at current exchange rates) to build a toy capable of destroying the earth?

My theory is that if the Big Bang theory is anything like accurate, then our universe was created by a bunch of scientists in Zimbabwe or Milton Keynes, who managed to build a machine capable of destroying their own universe and spilling all of the matter and energy in it into a new one. This happens every 14 billion years or so – the time it takes for matter to evolve into sentient beings capable of fucking everything up in a very big way.

This is all because Orson Welles pissed off the Swiss with his cuckoo clock line. They never could take a fucking joke.


Rol Hirst said...

Yeah, but think... if they succeeded... would anybody really miss us?

Richard said...

I know the answer about what happened in that first second after the big bang. It's pretty bloody obvious when you think about it. Conditions were created that, 14 billion years later, led to people trying to find out what happened 14 billion years previously. We've come a long way, baby.

Suzanne said...

It's picking nits, I know, but the Swiss are idiots if they are pissed off about that cuckoo clock line when Orson said it about the Austrians in the first place.

Homo Escapeons said...

Couldn't they use the Chunnel on Monday afternoons?

I guess that they have to do something with all of the interest that is accruing on those accounts that were started in 1939 by the Joseph Goebbels Renaissance Art and Cheese Emporium?

I, like the view said...


it's that big machine again I was debating this in May of last year - frightening how it just won't go away; but my question is this, how do you spell where it's located?

cerne or cern?

Vicus Scurra said...

Rol, you are very astute. I suspect neighbours in the immediate vicinity would be grateful not to be picking up satellite broadcasts of Bruce Forsyth, but other than that I can't think of any effect our going would have.
Richard. A tad cynical.
Suzanne. You are so, so wrong. It was in "The Third Man". A movie famous for being overrated and having annoying music in it. Much like the Swiss.
Donn. Please take time to do some research before suggesting flawed experiments. If the French were to fire protons along the channel tunnel, there is a very good chance that the trajectory would carry them to Buckingham Palace, and right up the queen's arse. Then where would we be?
ILTV. CERN is an acronym for "Crapwits Engaged in Random Nuttiness". Cerne Abbas is a village in Dorset, famous for a man with a very large penis. Perhaps that was on your mind? I hope that this helps.

Richard said...

I know. I try to fit in.

ziggi said...

You've been proof reading for Dan Brown again haven't you?

Vicus Scurra said...

Ziggi. I have no idea what you are talking about. You seem to be getting the hang of this journal.
Lemon Curry?

Suzanne said...

Wow, I am wrong and that is such a novel experience for me. Chalk it up to a late middle age memory lapse and that The Third Man (indisputably the source) was set in Austria. Sadly for me, I rather like the music.

I, like the view said...

no vicus that wasn't at all (and anyhow, as any experienced woman knows, size doesn't count)(and neither does what you do with it)

but thanks for trying to help me out anyhow