Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome. The important thing is your arrival, not the route you followed to get here.

I will return to the important topic of nuclear physics shortly. In the meantime, here is a brief foray into that old favourite of those of us with nothing to say – the referrals section of our site counters.

98% of search engine queries come to me looking for the busty substances of a television presenter of whom I had never heard. Bastards. I am number 4 on Theodore and Evadne’s list for that particular topic. I did manage to get poor Surly Girl in at number 2 by leaving a comment on her blog, and I am just going over to that bugger Tom who started all this and leaving a comment on his blog, to see if that will attract some attention away from here. And why, in the name of buggery, is there such a fixation for these particular two. There are literally dozens of other tits in the world, and several of them, so I have been told, can be seen on the internet. Big ones, small ones, ones with nipples akimbo. White ones, brown ones, black ones, yellow ones and polkadot ones. More boobs than you can shake a stick at (geddit?).

I am also the number one authority (thanks again Tom) for “insects in mange tout peas from Kenya”. I have never been to Kenya, do not care much for insects, and despite being a proud vegetarian, am not fond of Mange Tout. Mange tout is the slogan of the omnivore, surely. If God had intended us to eat pea pods, he would not have created the Bird’s Eye factory.

To the person who asked about “protocol for ladies day at Ascot”. Shit in your handbag, and be sure to show the evidence to everyone you meet. Should you be introduced to royalty (and this only applies on Ladies day at Ascot) be sure to use the phrase “you pox ridden bastard” at least twice in the conversation.

Also in the charts this week, I am at number 35 at Dogpile for “Removed his testicles”. This is probably the protocol for men who attend ladies day at Ascot. Please remember to remove your testicles and leave them with the cloakroom attendant. Although if you are so whipped that you have to go to bollocky racemeetings attended by single digit IQ throwbacks, your testicles are probably approaching non-existent anyway.

I am indebted to dear Adam (where is the sweet boy these days, I miss him so?) for the occasional visitor enquiring about the insertion of fingers into recta.

“Chekhov, footballer’s name”. No, you must be thinking of Pushkin who played on the left wing for Brighton and Hove Albion.

The next one is again the fault of Tom. He wrote a comment about having hand’s on experience of the aforementioned organs of the lovely Lulu. This was most uncalled for, and has resulted in all sorts of perverts hanging around here.

Some poor soul wants to know about the after effects of Kaliyuga. Kaliyuga is defined in the Shastras as the time when a great soul writes about matters of importance for the world on the internet, and gets bombarded by weirdos looking for specialised porn. The after effects, although I would not phrase it quite that way, are that things get so bad that God incarnates and heralds the arrival of the golden age. Don’t get too excited about the golden age – it is all purity and peace. I doubt whether the bureaucrats in charge will allow us to watch “Have I Got News for You” or listen to Jefferson Airplane.

Inverkeithing. Not some bizarre pictish sexual practice, but a town in Scotland where Amazon store stuff in order to ensure that next day delivery is virtually impossible.

Ken Dodd joke. I told you all the one about cat’s eyes. Another favourite was the three legged chicken, which he tells very well. If you haven’t heard it, I will add it to the comments section.

Someone from Russia asked “what you do what you say divorce royal”. Well, comrade, I think what you do is save on the lawyer’s fees by shooting the lot of them. It is a position not without merit, in my view, although I am opposed to violence.

You will all be pleased to hear that:

a) I am in the top ten already for “Horizon Six Billion Dollar Experiment”

b) (That’s enough links. Ed.)

2 comments:

Richard said...

I just happened to be passing, honest.

Most of mine appear to be coming via two pictures of Jose Mourinho and one of Woodchurch cricket club. Although I did get one for "Loose Ends Hairdressers Bushey" a couple of days ago.

ziggi said...

where's the joke then?