Monday, May 07, 2007

Sarah Beeny's I HAVE enormous, MODIFIED THIS swinging, HEADING pendulous TO GET RID OF THE PERVERTS ti-ts

There follows an open letter to Mr Graham Norton at the BBC.
You will understand if I am not my normal cheery self at this distressing time.

Mr Norton

I am a struggling, but talented, young artist, whose aspirations have been cruelly dashed by you.

I wonder whether you ever consider the power that you wield, and the dramatic impact it can have on those of us who only dream of having our talents recognised.

Over the past few years I have, in the manner of my near neighbour Jane Austen, fostered ambitions of becoming a writer of note. Unlike Ms Austen, I do not advertise my house on tatty signs at the side of the road, but instead have sought to promote my work through the medium of the internet. I have built up a small but enthusiastic following of devoted readers, who look to me for advice and counsel about the difficulties associated with living in these times. I allow them to contribute by comment on my writings.

These last few days I have been surprised by the increased numbers of visitors. "Scurra," I exclaimed to myself, "Your time is coming, your ability is about to receive the recognition that is its due". Then, this evening I watched my recording of your latest program, featuring Ms Dawn French and Ms Sarah Beeny. Regrettably, the content of your program soon deteriorated, and the matter of Ms Beeny's chest became the focus of your conversation. "Google me", she advised, "and you will see that people are interested in my chest".

Due to the naughtiness of my friend Tom, who suggested in one of his comments that should I watch one of Sarah's programs, my attention would be drawn to her 'tits', I am high on the Google list of links to "Sarah Beeny's tits". It was this, not my wisdom, my style so redolent of Anthony Trollope or the serious topics upon which I discourse, that drew my visitors.

I suppose that I should thank you for disabusing me of the idea that I had anything worthwhile to offer.

I am going now, to resume my career in the business world. Heaven knows how many Keats or Dostoevskys have been treated in a similar cruel manner by those, who like yourself, think nothing of the lives of ordinary folk.

yours sadly

Vicus Scurra

I have to say that this is the first time I have ever seen Sarah Beeny. At the risk of being described as a pervert, my preference would be to engage with her in conversation rather than see her tits. She seemed a jolly nice young lady, and blessed with a pleasant and witty conversational style. I understand that she is involved in one of these home improvement programmes that are everywhere on television these days, so she must be a bit thick.


tom909 said...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm Sarah Beeney, say no more!

Dave said...

Well, at least you got Tom out of the closet for a moment.

Do let us know how your visitor numbers swell today, won't you.

One must add that one is surprised, but pleased, to see that this post is not illustrated.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave, watch the Graham Norton show next week, where I am sure that it will be Tom and not I who is the star of the show. I trust that "visitor numbers" is not some crude euphemism. Dave, like you, my interest in Ms Beeny (such as it is - I had never seen her before, nor am I likely to again) is of a purely intellectual nature.

I, like the view said...

I was very disappointed to google Sarah Beeney's tits and not end up back here

what is the internet coming to?

(am not going to comment on the boyish euphemism "swelling"... for some reason you take everything I write here the wrong way vicus - if only you read my words in a purely intellectual manner)

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. Your post is so obviously overbrimming with sexual innuendo, that I am surprised that you are allowed out. Rest assured that I am the least judgmental of your friends, and you can always count on me to understand the underlying purity of your comments.

Dave said...

The word 'swell' was indeed used deliberately.

Geoff said...

Betty tends to have thousands of these same searches every day and there's now been a knock-on effect. In one of her posts where she mentions the offending articles she also links to me.

Therefore I'm getting hundreds of searches from Betty's "Big Baps". I didn't realise Graham Norton was involved but I'm not surprised.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you for sharing the burden, Geoff.

Reg Pither said...

Oh Vicus, Vicus, Vicus,

One can only submerse oneself in the world of literature for so long in a day.
An esteemed colleague of mine once said to me: "Reg, there is more to this world than big tits." I replied: "Name one fucking thing!!" He came back with: "Happiness." I said: "Happiness IS a big pair of tits!" QED.
Yours, from the shallow end of the gene pool,


I, like the view said...

*wondering where all the other female bloggers are with this*

*comtemplating boob job (I currently look like a boy)*


*wanders off to submerse herself in literature elsewhere*

ziggi said...

I too was disappointed when googling Sarah Beeney's tits that you were only 3rd (and 4th) and Tom, despite your best efforts, is nowhere. pah!

I think you better try a bit harder.

(WV upganili - why is that funny?!?)

Vicus Scurra said...

Reg. I suspect that you are just trying to create a little controversy here. You very naughty boy.
ILTV. I share your concern. I wish these people would leave me alone, and let the true fans get a seat at the front, but such are the burdens of fame.
Ziggi. I have spent the last 35 years dragging Tom out of the various disasters in which he embroils himself. I am afraid that he is just incapable of keeping up. Fortunately, due to my saintly nature, I shall not abandon him.

surly girl said...

anyway, you old goat, it was you what referred to what i saw referred to on one google-search-result as "beeny's bags of fun" in MY comments. tell that fucker graham norton to swing by my place once you've finished with him, will you?

*wanders off to compose pithy, erudite post about tommy lee's giant cock*