Friday, May 25, 2007

Free the Huddersfield One

It seems to be a day for silly news. A man has been charged with “possession of an axe near the queen”. Or something daft such as that.

Let’s look at the evidence shall we?

The last 3 monarchs (if you include the idiot Edward VIII) died of smoking related illnesses, although there seems to be some suggestion that George V was finished off by a cocktail of cocaine and morphine. Very trendy. Is there any suggestion that smoking tobacco is bad for you, and that it should be banned from public places, let alone near a monarch? Of course not, the very idea is preposterous.

If we ignore the noble heads of state who died of natural causes, we are left with the following candidates:

  • George IV died of obesity. I feel a strange fellowship with him. Do we hear of a woman being arrested for being in possession of a lemon meringue pie outside Windsor Castle? No, of course not. Neither is it a criminal offence to own a bag of chips and mushy peas in Balmoral.
  • George III died deaf, blind and insane. It could be argued that at over 80 he had had a good innings, and that the insanity was not directly linked to his watching daytime TV. But even if a causal link could be established, then does that mean that there is justification for imprisoning Jeremy Kyle? Actually, it probably does, so let’s skip that one and blame the demise of George on old age.
  • George II died on the toilet. It is well known that the current head of the commonwealth does not use the lavatory, but there never seem to be any security measures taken to prevent her being in the vicinity of one.
  • William II fell from a horse, broke his collarbone and died of resulting pneumonia. Horses. I shall be writing to Inspector Knacker and asking him to round up and incarcerate the Household Cavalry prior to this year’s Trooping the Colour.

Which takes us back to the only known victim of an axe, good old Charles I. I know that we live in uncertain times, but it seems a little overzealous of the security services to focus on some poor chap, innocently going about his axe-wielding business, particularly as it has been over 350 years since the last little hiccup.


Dave said...

The way I heard it (on Radio 4, early this morning) it was a pickaxe. It seemed to me at the time that this was rather an unwieldy weapon to use.

And a little unsubtle.

I stand to be corrected.

Dave said...

I see I was right: 'A man has been charged with possessing an offensive weapon after he was spotted carrying a pick axe just yards from where the Queen was due to begin a walkabout, police said.

The 34-year-old man was arrested on Thursday afternoon, 30 minutes before the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh were due to walk around St George's Square in Huddersfield.

Uniformed police officers and royal protection officers swooped after seeing a man allegedly acting suspiciously in the crowd.'

Very observant of them. As I said before, a pickaxe isn't the most subtle of things to carry.

Betty said...

Didn't Henry VII die from the side effects of eating too much and putting it about a lot? Now there's someone who would have been an ideal guest on Jeremy Kyle's show ...

Shelley said...

Perhaps the toilet death was because people were watching at the time. I know it'd make me nervous, and if I had a bad heart...well you know how that would end. Certainly ol' George II did.

homo escapeons said...

Sheesh! Michael Fagan should know better than to walk around with an axe.

I can no longer enjoy the 1970 film Cromwell because the voice of King Charles, Alec Guiness, is none other than OBE-Wan Kenobi.

"Those bloody awful lines" as Alec described his chatter in Star Wars made him and his nasal intonations ubiquitous throughout the known universe.

So now when I watch Cromwell, I fully expect King Charles to say "Never make a defense or an apology until you are accused",
pull out his light sabre, slice the executioner in half, and escape with C3PO and R2D2 close behind.

Richard said...

I am currently driving around with a very corroded gas poker in the car. I do believe that these tools are now illegal. Perhaps a belated response to the fate that befell the unfortunate Edward II. I expect incarceration presently

Rol Hirst said...

Being from Huddersfield myself, I have one thing to add...

Can anyone here bail me out?

Vicus Scurra said...

Betty. I know you missed an "I" out. These bloody Romans, eh? Not sure what they actually died of, although I doubt that Henry Junior would make the gymnastics final.
Shelley. 1) You fail to specify whether it is the watching or the being watched that would make you nervous. 2) I don't want to know which.
HE. My history lessons are wasted on folk of your ilk.
Richard. I think you are safe. Edward quite liked it.
Rol. Unless the Yorkshire constabulary have improved their practices since the last time I crossed their path, they were probably dumb enough to leave you the pickaxe, in which case you can probably find your own way out.

Reg Pither said...

Couldn't Betty Saxe-Coburg-Gotha have been charged with incitement to violence, what with her having one head too many and being an inter-bred, Fascist, parasite?
Affectionately yours,
Lord Phillips,
Lord Chief Justice's Department.

ziggi said...

A Barnoffee Pie would be a more arrestable offense - so I've been advised.
On a need to know basis obviously.

Mark Gamon said...

I wonder if he was a suicide pickaxeman?

Vicus Scurra said...

Reg. You know that this is the love and peace channel.
Ziggi. I am unfamiliar with that confection, so I cannot comment. Is it vegan?
Mark. You have been missed. I yearn for you tragically. You have left me with an image that will pursue me for several hours.