Tuesday, May 01, 2007

One way or another, I will be sadly missed

I am going out again tomorrow. If you see me in the street, please do not impede my progress, I shall not be signing autographs nor engaging in idle chit-chat. I am a little concerned with the latest British pastime – shooting people. I don’t know why people require more excitement than can be obtained by a few games of cribbage, but I suppose I will just be called old-fashioned.

I have not yet had the opportunity to view tonight’s Horizon programme on the preposterous machine that the Swiss are building, and so you may never get to hear my views on it. In the event of my not being sniped tomorrow, then I shall endeavour to produce a full and unbiased report.

I have already made some arrangements for my funeral. An old friend has promised to travel from Brisbane to tell everyone that I was a complete cunt. I would hate that contribution to be omitted for future generations. I want to be buried in a paper sack under a newly planted tree. Please sort out among yourselves who is bringing the tree. Mark seems to have disappeared, so if the funeral is in the short term, Richard, you can be in charge of the music. Betty, please tell people where to sit or stand, and don’t put up with any nonsense. Zoe, please keep your clothes on. I am sorry there are not enough little jobs to go round, and am sorry to disappoint people, but please join in with the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Let yourselves go, people of my calibre do not pass this way often.

9 comments:

I, like the view said...

I get loads of google searches for that Swiss machine. . .

think I must have made an uncommon spelling mistake somewhere along the line. . .

(you've now overtaken me on "grey pubes" google searches too!)

enjoy your day out - will they let you back in again?

word ver: scooby-dooby-do-where-are-you

raincoaster said...

I would let myself go, but I can't loosen the straps.

Mark Gamon said...

It's alright. I'm still here. We will have Don van Vliet and Janis Joplin at the funeral. Interspersed with a little crap opera for the old folks.

Vicus Scurra said...

He's back! He's back! It's the same one!
Don van Vliet eh? That was the disease I was going to die from had I not been shot today.

I, like the view said...

I was just going to say

"is he here yet? is he here yet?"

did you have a lovely time, dear sweet vicus

:-)

Betty said...

It seems that you're still alive. A pity, because I was looking forward to bossing people about, getting into fights and cracking open the brandy afterwards. I don't get out much these days either.

Richard said...

I believe the risk is increased if wayward relatives have access to firearms. I have locked the UZI in the shed.

Homo Escapeons said...

You must cease and desist from any more idle chatter about your expiration. If Newton was right, and the world is NOT going to end until 2060, then you had better make a point of living life to the fullest, and play cribbage each and every day.

If for some reason you miss the Rapture, clerical errors do occur from time to time, then you will most certainly not want to miss all of the tomfoolery that will be going on in 2059!

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV, thank you, I am safely back home. I can tell you that I prefer Starbuck's coffee to that of Costa. Other than that, I think I left the places I visited in much the same condition as I found them.
Betty, you are welcome to visit and do all, any or none of those things at any time.
Richard. I know what you mean. Mrs S has been operating the lawnmower while I was out.
Donn. I will be 108 in 2059. I am looking forward to all of the exciting activities, provided that there is nothing good on the telly.