Monday, May 28, 2007

Gladys Knight

I have been somewhat preoccupied these few days. Fortunately, little of consequence has happened in the world, and so you need not have bothered to read all of those newspapers.

Instead, I shall take as today’s theme, “Today in History”. Let’s start with something that you all know about, unless you forgot to do your prep yesterday. Today is the birthday of John the Fearless. Or it would have been, had he still been alive. His chances of still being alive are somewhat remote as he was born in 1371. They were made almost impossible by his living up to his name. Fearless is not a characteristic to be embraced. Had John been just a tad fearful, he might have escaped being murdered, but that is neither here nor there. You will realise, even if you are not overly familiar with European history, that he lived during the 100 years war - even less prudent to be fearless during such a turbulent era. What English boys and girls are not really taught in school is that the French eventually won the 100 years war. Despite all the nationalism and glorification of that prize tit Henry V, eventually the English, not for the last time, were kicked out of northern France. To this day they are only allowed back in order to rid the country of crap wine that any discerning Frenchman will not allow to pass his lips. The admirable thing about John the Fearless was that you knew where you stood with him. It was all in the name, you see. Similarly, his father was called Philip the Bold, and his son Philip the Good. It is not clear whether these names were on the birth certificate, or whether they were acquired during the lifetime of their owners, but at least you knew where you were with them. (I have to confess to not knowing what Philip was good at, and it is too late at night to look it up (my very good friend a Mr Trellis of North Epsom will no doubt know, but he is somewhat reticent about posting comments here), but he did have lots of children, mostly illegitimate, so perhaps that was it.) One of the French kings in this period was called Charles the Mad. Unequivocal. With good old Charlie, you knew exactly what you were getting. I am not one to pretend that things were better in those days, but at least you didn’t have to worry too much about the kind of person you were being introduced to. I can’t think of a single good reason as to why we have discontinued that habit. Of course, there are lots more of us these days, and so our names would have to be a little more precise to have meaning – I am sure that we would all like to be called “The Good” or “The Well Endowed” or “The Clever”, but eventually we would all know at least seven “Trevor the Tall”s and this would be confusing. So, let me know what you would like to be called. Something along the lines of “Kevin the Ever So Slightly Annoying”, or “Janet the Well Meaning But Hopelessly Indiscriminating”.

Today is also the birthday of Kylie Minogue. I have no interest in this person, but feel that having already attracted thousands of new readers with “Tori Amos Naked”, and still getting more than a few Beeny busty substance related visitors, that it would do no harm to include the phrase “pictures of Kylie Minogue’s arse”.

24 comments:

Richard said...

Having arrived via a particular specialist search, I am temporarily Richard the Terribly Disappointed.

I, like the view said...

I'm not here for the arse or the tits, since I can look at my own if I feel the need (which I don't, naturally), but I really really appreciated the history lesson

ta

Vicus Scurra said...

And both Richard the Suddenly Aroused and I appreciated your anatomical suppleness, ILTV. How do you manage that?

Dave said...

It's all done with mirrors.

Dave the Pedant.

KAZ said...

I would like to be known as *Kaz the disappointed fan of Gladys Knight*

I, like the view said...

actually dave, it's done with smoke

there's a reason I like fags. . .

pip pip

(that's for Kaz)

spentrails said...

Rather belatedly, I am shocked at the ungrammatical-ness of your posts (actually just the latest one). I have evidently been underestimating the extent of such linguistic aberration.

Vicus Scurra said...

Spentrails. My blog. I make up the rules of grammar, syntax and English Usage. I allow Dave to comment on my usage occasionally because it makes him feel loved.

MJ said...

I came here looking for Vicus Biggus Dickus.

Geoff said...

I would like to change my name to Ethelred Ready Or Not.

Old Knudsen said...

I am Knudsen the Blogjinxed, not only did you cover The hundred years war today which is my favourite title for a war though it wasn't 100 years, but in the past I have posted Kylie's arse. Tomorrow I'm covering the George Clooney midget sex story to don't even think about it, this is my patch.

surly girl said...

old knudsen - you posted kylie's arse? recorded delivery, i trust.

can i be roger prentice the apprentice dentist?

failing that, surly the drunk. not that i am. not at the moment, anyway.

Vicus Scurra said...

Mr Knudsen, we have a deal, if you promise not to discuss the periodic table of elements and the origins of lacrosse.
Surly. I think you are drunk.

Shlaaaaaaaaah! said...

I declare myself Shlaaaaaah without shelaghlagh. But I'd like a stick if possible. A knobby one.

Carmenzta said...

Carmenzta the Mamacita. Umm it's supposed to rhyme.

Old Knudsen said...

I licked her arse instead of the stamp tasted like chicken. Don't worry I'm not into periods just so messy and definitely not on a table.

Betty said...

Betty the Incapable would sum everything up nicely.

Frontier Former Editor said...

Uh, what happened to the other 15 years? of the One Hundred Years War? It lasted 115 years, you know.

Mike the Terribly Inconvenient and Asinine

G Eagle Esq said...

.... errr .... not many folk kNow this

..... but Inglaterra won the 115 years' War ..... the outcome forced :

.... the Inglaterrans to be English

and the Scotch/Australians/Canadians to become British
..... and helped the Americans & FFE to learn Englisch

..... while les Frogges were allowed to be French

Vicus Scurra said...

D- to all of those who thought that the rest of us were not aware of the old chestnut about the 100 years war not being exactly 100 years long.
C+ to Betty for a bit of false modesty, but modesty under any guise here is a treasure to behold.
A- to Carmenzta. Why? Just.

What would you all like to learn next?

Frontier Former Editor said...

I thought being asinine would have at least garnered me a B+, and that knowing it was 15 years would have added a bonus point, and that not saying "That Blair guy wasn't so bad . . ." would have exempted me from semester finals . . . .

Reg Pither said...

Dearest Vicus (and Former Frontier Editor),

Sorry to be Reg The Smartarse, yet again, but it was actually 116 years (1337 - 1453)! Heaven forbid we forgot all those who fell in the final year. Actually, come to think of it, it was probably their own fault because everyone else had packed up and gone home the year before so they were asking for it.
You have, of course, neglected to mention the least famous members of The Fearless family - Phillip the Quite-Shy-Really, Phillip the Agorophobic and Colin The Individualist.
As for me, I quite fancy Reg The It's-Like-A-Baby's-Arm-Holding-An-Orange, or perhaps Ger The Dyslexic,

Regards,

Reg The None-Of-The-Above.

Vicus Scurra said...

Reg. I know, I know. It is not as if it is difficult to ascertain the facts on the net. Some of these people are American, so I suppose we should not be too harsh.

Frontier Former Editor said...

Hmmm, you're right. Silly me to depend on memory and a history degree. Guess I was mildly distracted by those Beeny babies . . . . .


entwfan - someone who really dug those long Who bass soloes . . . . .