Gladys Knight

I have been somewhat preoccupied these few days. Fortunately, little of consequence has happened in the world, and so you need not have bothered to read all of those newspapers.

Instead, I shall take as today’s theme, “Today in History”. Let’s start with something that you all know about, unless you forgot to do your prep yesterday. Today is the birthday of John the Fearless. Or it would have been, had he still been alive. His chances of still being alive are somewhat remote as he was born in 1371. They were made almost impossible by his living up to his name. Fearless is not a characteristic to be embraced. Had John been just a tad fearful, he might have escaped being murdered, but that is neither here nor there. You will realise, even if you are not overly familiar with European history, that he lived during the 100 years war - even less prudent to be fearless during such a turbulent era. What English boys and girls are not really taught in school is that the French eventually won the 100 years war. Despite all the nationalism and glorification of that prize tit Henry V, eventually the English, not for the last time, were kicked out of northern France. To this day they are only allowed back in order to rid the country of crap wine that any discerning Frenchman will not allow to pass his lips. The admirable thing about John the Fearless was that you knew where you stood with him. It was all in the name, you see. Similarly, his father was called Philip the Bold, and his son Philip the Good. It is not clear whether these names were on the birth certificate, or whether they were acquired during the lifetime of their owners, but at least you knew where you were with them. (I have to confess to not knowing what Philip was good at, and it is too late at night to look it up (my very good friend a Mr Trellis of North Epsom will no doubt know, but he is somewhat reticent about posting comments here), but he did have lots of children, mostly illegitimate, so perhaps that was it.) One of the French kings in this period was called Charles the Mad. Unequivocal. With good old Charlie, you knew exactly what you were getting. I am not one to pretend that things were better in those days, but at least you didn’t have to worry too much about the kind of person you were being introduced to. I can’t think of a single good reason as to why we have discontinued that habit. Of course, there are lots more of us these days, and so our names would have to be a little more precise to have meaning – I am sure that we would all like to be called “The Good” or “The Well Endowed” or “The Clever”, but eventually we would all know at least seven “Trevor the Tall”s and this would be confusing. So, let me know what you would like to be called. Something along the lines of “Kevin the Ever So Slightly Annoying”, or “Janet the Well Meaning But Hopelessly Indiscriminating”.

Today is also the birthday of Kylie Minogue. I have no interest in this person, but feel that having already attracted thousands of new readers with “Tori Amos Naked”, and still getting more than a few Beeny busty substance related visitors, that it would do no harm to include the phrase “pictures of Kylie Minogue’s arse”.