Thursday, May 17, 2007

Going out like a raspberry ripple

I am very grateful to my recent friend I, Like the View for providing the inspiration (although that hardly seems to be the appropriate word), for this little bit of wisdom.

First of all, she reminded me that I had referred to Leon Brittan in the standard reply to signers of my guest book. This reminded me, in turn, of an early skirmish in the world of blogging, when I used said gentleman’s name in vain. Try typing “Leon Brittan” and, for example “pendulous” into google, and see where you go. Here is a clue.

Secondly, my recently acquired friend mentioned Italy. I have been troubled of late by the preponderance of silly “make over” programmes on the television. I know that I do not have to watch them, and I do not have to watch the busty substances of the presenters in these programmes, as they bounce from side to side, demolishing walls and concussing passing plasterers, but I have decided that enough is enough. My solution? Simple, send them to Rome, which is overbrimming with useless old buildings, well in need of touching up a bit, and old Romans, similarly needful. That should keep them all busy for a damned long time. Well past my life expectancy any way. (And no, thank you very much, I don’t want any “Rome wasn’t built in a day” comments.) They can start with the Colosseum, which would make a very nice apartment block, with ample underground parking and so on.

I am also growing weary of the trend to fill the shitillion hours of broadcasting time with sending all and sundry round the world to give us the benefit of their opinion. Bollocks. Palin was all very well, but once he had been round the world, then north to south, there wasn’t much left was there? I wrote him a nice letter some years ago with a suggestion about a follow up series, and all I got was a letter from some minion about how busy he was blah blah blah. Last week it was Victoria Wood going some place or other, now Paul Merton is going to China. Piss off. I don’t care about their opinions about places. If I wanted to find out what these places were like I would go there myself. What the programme makers could do is to send people to places and NOT make programmes. I could provide a list of people and matching places that would keep them busy for many a long year.

The bloody film makers are as bad. Some creative genius has decided that it would be a good idea to remake “The Long Good Friday”. In the USA, obviously. I don’t blame them, it was such a deeply flawed film, lacking character development, plot lines, stunning dialogue, the definitive portrayal of a London gangster and blindingly good music. Which first rate thespian do you suggest should play the Harold Shand character? Arnie? Sly? Chuck? Richard Simmons?

Film producers? I’ve shit ‘em.

23 comments:

Dave said...

If you're going to start talking about Roman buildings, can we expect a follow-up piece about pillars, and their capitals?


Oh, and mentioning annoying things, why is the date at the bottom of your piece shown in the American ideom?

Vicus Scurra said...

Good morning, you annoying old thing. Henry Blofeld lives in Norfolk doesn't he?
The date is in US format because it is the only option available that gives both the date and time. I note that on other blogs I can see the time that someone commented, but not the day. I therefore might be talking about something that happened 3 years ago.
And it's "idiom", you ideot.

Dave said...

I'm not talking about the date/time format in the comments itself - but the date/time you have at the foot of your post, you berk.

The date of the post is already shown at the top, by the heading, so you don't need it at the foot as well.

I've set my blog to show the time alone at the bottom, so as not to look like an American. Still, each to their own.

I have already apologised a few days ago for my typos, and will not be pedantic about them, as they are drug-related. Even though (as you know) I tried 3 times to get my first comment right.

Vicus Scurra said...

And what do you have against America?
Cue for aqueducts dialogue.
Alright, I've changed it, y'all.

Richard said...

I suggest Bob Hoskins as he does a wholly convincing American accent.

your recent friend said...

I'm looking forward to graduating to the old school. . .

any chance someone will take me to Italy before the home make over people arrive and paint it various subtle shades and add cushions and throws to make it more comfortable and hang some mirrors up to accentuate the view in narrow alley ways. . .

(don't watch much telly, so have no idea what they do on these shows, I'm just thinking about my new house!)

Leon's brother was a very perculiar chap BTW; I've also met Boris Johnson's brother (well, one of them - I don't know the whole family - he, the brother, was a lovely chap. . .)

and I had tea once with Ile Nastase. . .

he was gorgeous

ooh! you've just given me an idea for a post - a listing of celebrity people I have come across

you, dear vicus, will be filling my Number One slot - and dave would have a list all of his own. . .

:-)

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV, it is not as if I have that many friends that sub-categorising them serves any purpose.
Please be circumspect about using phrases such as "filling my number one slot", there are some folk here who tend towards perverted thoughts. Don't worry, I will take care of you.

Richard said...

I won't tell her she used that phrase straight after telling us about people she's come across then.

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV, see what I mean?

Reg Pither said...

The lovechild of Frank Dobson (shaved) and Thatcher? You'd have a lunatic, money-obsessed criminal with a love of both GREAT Britain and killing things off who looks like Bob Hoskins. "A bit more than a fuckin' 'ot dog!" Not saying which one looks like Hoskins, though.
Would chat longer but I'm currently in San Tropez doing a travelogue for Saga.

ziggi said...

o bugger I can't think of anything to say although I do remember Captain Lockhead and the Starfighters although I have just looked but I can't find it.

I, like the view said...

oih z that's reminded me! I was once on a plane with a band called Flock of Seagulls

I wonder if they ever had a number one slot. . .

*leaves vacancy for someone wittier to make a joke about belonging to the mile high club*

I, like the view said...

ps: richard I don't want to disappoint you, but I am perfectly aware of the posible innuendo in everything I write here. . .

and the impossible innuendo too

(and, dear vicus, I am so looking forward to your taking care of me. . . wasn't really aware that I needed taking care of, but thank you for pointing that out!)

Vicus Scurra said...

Ziggi. You are responding to a 4 year old thread on a different blog, but I am not one to quibble. Please, make yourself at home, take your narcotics and babble about any subject that takes your fancy. You will fit right in.

homo escapeons said...

Rome desperately needs a new vacation destination like a giant interactive Inquistion World?
"You will confess that you had a great time!" said the Vatican Director of Ergonomics & Heretical Authenticity, Rattus Germanicus I.

As for the movie, obviously this is a moot point since Austin Powers is unquestionably THE first choice for any Yankee Director to play a 60s style Hipster-Gangster in London.

I am almost certain that the American version will also cast Roger Rabbit as the IRA connection as a homage to the centrifugally challenged endomorph Bob Hoskins.

your recent friend said...

have a lovely weekend

Dyna Girl said...

Where In the World is Matt Lauer?

Richard said...

I won't mention the rugby result.

Shelley said...

I love the makeover shows. I even watch the best one about making over food, called America's Test Kitchen. I used a recipe yesterday, and redecorated my kitchen. Oho! Yes I'm addicted to PBS and their awful home-improvement shows, but I learnt to make a baseball bat yesterday using a lathe, so it wasn't a waste of time completely.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. Taken analytically, I was only disappointed. Alas, I do not have the genetic makeup to be a true sports fan.
Shelley! Thou breath of Autumn's being! Welcome to the show. This is not so much a makeover as a makeunder. Things are slightly worse when you leave than when you arrived, so in that sense it is very much like the makeover programmes to which you allude. Now, about that baseball bat, I should tell you that we are peaceloving hippies over here, apart from Zoe who pretends to be abrasive but is a real sweetie when you get to know her. So, please put it down and play nicely. Thank you.

Richard said...

Me neither, despite appearances to the contrary. Last football match I actually went to was Ashford Town v Walsall in the 3rd round of the Cup. 32 years ago. I do go to the odd cricket match but then that's not actually sport is it. It's the nearest I get to a spiritual experience.

I, like the view said...

that's not actually sport is it. . .

*sharp intake of breath*

. . .it's the nearest I get to a spiritual experience. . ."

*huge sigh of relief*

I, like the view said...

(only on dave's behalf, you understand)