Saturday, May 05, 2007

Hands across the sea

"I've travelled 4000 bloody miles to get here, and you give me one bloody flower, you tightfisted, diaper-headed bastard? See that uptight bitch behind me, dressed like a constipated peppermint? Well do me a favour a stick this right up her arse".

"No, I don't want another fucking cup of tea, you bald motherfucker, and keep your fucking hands to yourself, unless you want to find out what an orb and sceptre are really used for."

Liz was less than impressed with her accommodation. "And if you think that I am going to change my mind if that twat Ty Pennington turns up tomorrow morning with his fucking megaphone, you can piss off", she stated.

A minion commits a serious breach of protocol by highlighting the fact that he can see the royal nipple. Meanwhile, Philip spits on some poor people.

"These pants are squashing my balls, man".
"Do you know who these dudes are?"
"Yeah, they are, like, the most famous married British couple, like, ever".
"I thought David Beckham was, like, younger than that".

Her majesty enjoys the traditional greeting by Barbara Bush and her tickling stick.

"You can keep Cleveland, Baltimore, Montana and Florida, but I am claiming the rest back."

The crowds go wild as Her Majesty declares the playschool open, by shifting her buttocks and releasing the royal fart.

"More poxy flowers? Save them for Helen fucking Mirren. Or give them to Philip - he's got hay fever."


Dave said...

Lèse majesté.

Enough said.

I, like the view said...

having a good morning so far vicus?!


Richard said...

I think the BBC made a grave error in giving Jennie Bond's job to Nicholas Witchell (That's Nicholas Newton Henshall Witchell by the way. Maybe you just didn't have the right number of idiot middle names)

Martha said...

I can't help it, I love you.

raincoaster said...

NOT MONTANA!!!! It's pretty, and there are hardly any Americans there. Take Pittsburgh instead: nobody would miss it.

I hope she re-patriates Alaska to its real native land, Canada while she's over here.

Derby Day this weekend, people. Stock up on the Maker's Mark and mint leaves! Although in a pinch you can make a redneck mint julep by smoking crack while chewing Doublemint Gum. You're welcome.

Foilwoman said...

So, you're a monarchist, are you?

Vicus Scurra said...

For the benefit of those of you not fluent in the Gallic tongue, Dave is suggesting that the queen is a lesbian. I strongly refute this allegation.
ILTV. YES! is that Ok with you?
Richard, surely you meant the James Bond job.
Martha. You and so many others.
RC. I thought she owned Canada anyway?
FW - of course. Why do think I take such interest in their affairs?

tom909 said...

As a proud and loyal subject of Her Majesty I am a little concerned that some of your material could be seen to be having a laugh at her expense. For the record I would like to point out that most of us in this country have nothing but the deepest respect for the way the royal family have been stitching us up for centuries.
Posts such as the above can and will only exaggerate the disharmony between the haves and the have-nots in our society. How I long for the days when we were all only too happy to accept our lot as her loyal and devoted servants.

I, like the view said...

of course! I'm very glad you're having a good time!

I am. . .

but why, oh why, does this post make me think of sticks of rock that you buy at the English sea-side, with words inside. . .

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, you blotted your copy book with that particular family when you asked princess Alice of Gloucester for a shag. Your views are therefore not free from prejudice.
ILTV. I find it gratifying that you come to me with your intimate psychological issues. I won't say too much of a personal nature on a public forum, but it seems to me that many of your comments gravitate towards the discussion of hard, round, cylindrical objects, pink in the latest case. I have not come across this before, and can only guess that in your childhood you had an unfortunate incident with a garden hose. I hope that this helps.

Richard said...

Unable to comment on the new one so I'll do it here. It looks like she's giving Camilla a Chinese burn in one of those. That might be fun.

I, like the view said...