Friday, May 11, 2007

The Blair Years: The Critical Moments

Tone and Ali look concerned. They would be even more peeved when they found out that Gordon had tipped the pilot £25 to fly them to Buenos Aires.

Then Gordon spiked the drinks at Labour Party HQ. Despite Cherie holding his right arm firmly, Tone still manages to give the nazi salute in Downing Street.

"Listen, you smelly provincial twat, I won't tell you how to play the fucking guitar, and you keep your nose out of my policies on primary school education, unless you want to see my latest karate moves, OK?"

During the night, Gordon slashed the tyres on the PM's Citroen, so Tone had to cycle to the state opening of parliament, trying very hard to maintain a cheery disposition.

"Well I was born stupid, what's your excuse?"

"Hey, mister, guess what I just did in my pants."

Tone wondered whether it would be worse to let her carry on singing, or to slap her round the face.

While the Blairs were taking a stroll by the Serpentine, Gordon had the locks changed. While they were waiting for Brian from "Easy Keysy", they were disturbed to hear the sounds of furniture being moved, and Kenneth McKellar on the gramophone.


Dave said...

Sorry, who is this man you are talking about?

Vicus Scurra said...

Kenneth McKellar, a modern singer, Dave, noted for being true to his ethnic roots - similar to Bob Marley.

Dave said...

Robert Marley? No, you've lost me there. Anything to do with the Marleys of Cirencester? I was at Eton with their youngest.

Oh no, that was someone else.

Richard said...

Now Vicus is off on one of his Eurovision jaunts again. What he really wants to tell you Dave, is Kenneth McKellar was our brave representative in the Battle of Eurovision in 1966. We had The Kinks, The Who, The Beatles and The Stones and other fine popsters and we sent a bloke in a kilt. He came 9th. Had we invaded anyone that year?

Vicus Scurra said...

Enough with the Song Contest.
If you don't all shut up about it right now, I shall sing to you. And you won't like that very much at all.

Dave said...

1966. I seem to remember we beat the Germans that year, didn't we?

Richard said...

Vicus has just announced uncontestable credentials for participating in next year's contest.

You set 'em up, I'll hit 'em back.

broomhilda said...

...If you start singing I swear that I will have someone sneak up on you and put weasels in your knickers...

tom909 said...

For God's sake broomhilda, Vicus will love that!

Carmenzta said...

I see that Tom is taking a break from watching sheep and horses go at it...I'm glad, Tom, it's a step! Vicus, I swear you have me ROFLMAO with the pictures and captions!

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. I wasn't playing, which position were you?
Richard, you are a very naughty boy.
Broomhilda. What Tom said.
Tom, are you going to be watching the song contest? I'm going out tomorrow, so will miss the premiership final. Go those Tigers, eh?
Carmenzta. Tom has been in the process of taking a break these 35 years to my certain knowledge. It is an activity well suited to his abilities. And thank you.

raincoaster said...

For that last one, how about "As the family poses for photos, Tony and Cherie demonstrate just exactly why there will be no more young Blairs."

Reg Pither said...

As with HRH and the kebab shop boss, you are just giving them the oxygen of publicity.
We've now got to ridicule being in the Brown stuff.
Hope Eurovision is good for you tonight (don't fucking sing!)
As Lulu so succinctly and meaningfully put it in that rock anthem, "Boom banga bang!"
Keep your powder and your pants dry. Reg.

I, like the view said...

oh! perfect - my question was going to be "who was/is Kenneth McKellar"

now I don't have to trouble you with my ingnorance!

ps at least the little boy in one of the photos is wearing pants

pps fancy doing a slot on Eurovision tonight with me?

ppps underwear not withstanding

pppps what would you like to sing?

Mark Gamon said...

Has he gone yet?

Oh. No. Another 7 weeks. Doesn't time drag?

ON a happier note, I have to report that the Troubled Diva bloke is mad as a box of frogs. They all take it SO seriously...

Vicus Scurra said...

Raincoaster. There is no guarantee there will be no more Blairs.
Reg. Thank you for your sound and sage advice.
ILTV, I am not quite certain what "doing a slot" means. I think we should sing "This Moment". I can be Mike, you can be Likki, or vice versa. What do you think?
Mark. I did try to warn you about Mike and his obligation to this ridiculous event, but did you listen?

I, like the view said...

you seem pretty certain to me. . .

never heard of This Moment tho!

*goes off to consult google*

I... I am watching you sleep
It's the promise you've made
One I find I can keep
Oh I...want to swallow the moon
Give a smile back to you
Light your way
Tell the Angels they'll just have to wait

'Cause I wanna stay here in this moment
Can I quietly slip into you
You and I can stay here in this moment
Let the world fade away,
I just want to stay with you

I... I am watching you breathe
I am pulled into you
As you smash into me
Oh I want to give you the stars
All that I can hold in my arms
Placing them where you lay
Tell the Angles they'll just have to wait

With my hand on your skin we can slowly begin, I am free
Now the heavens have less cause I've found the best and I won't let them take you away
Tell the angels they'll just have to wait...

I wanna stay here in this moment
Make the earth stand impossibly still
Disappear in your kiss, we'll never be missed
Let the world fade way, I just want to stay with you

oh! that's lovely vicus, I knew you had it in you. . .

now - what's the difference between being Mike or Likki?

Dave said...

As you drew it to my attention, I caught ten minutes of the show yesterday, whilst doing the Times Crossword.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seemed to me that the aim was to sing the worst song in the world, in the most tasteless way possible, with the intention of getting 'nul points'.

I didn't watch our act but I bet you and ILTv were well-suited. Sorry that I gather you only came second.

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. You are so, so wrong, and very disappointingly so. Where is your copy of "I looked up"? If you filed your CDs alphabetically in the way that we men do, then you would avoid a lot of trouble.
Dave, you are just giving them the oxygen of publicity.

Reg Pither said...

While you're still in this caption frenzy, I feel I must point out some interesting facts these photos reveal but which seem to have escaped your attention. Namely:
Photo 1. Proof that TB really did adore the cunt which is Campbell as he appears to be having a sly Jodrel while listening, enraptured.
Photo 4. Proof that Blair truly IS brilliant at absolutely everything ever as he has even managed to outpace fleet-of-foot former Liverpool central defender Alan Hansen, albeit on a bike.
Photo 7. The collective noun for a group of photographers/cameramen is "a fuck-up". Why? Well, you send your cameraman down to cover what turns out to be the best/most cringeworthy story of the year (in which Chezza proves she is tone fucking deaf) and what does he film (see background).
Photo 8. Proof that Tone really is the Cloven-Hoofed-One as his spawn pictured far left (Ewan, Spewin', Mooin'?) is undeniably Damien from The Omen.

I, like the view said...

sorry vicus - I'm only a girl, and blonde at that

am quite happy to be corrected tho

and what's all this about sorting one's CDs in alphabetical order? I file my vinyl according to the colour of the art work on the covers, in a kind of a rainbow pattern


Dave said...

Well done, you've managed to achieve 22 comments on a subject that 99.7956% of bloggers have also written about.

I managed to avoid talking about either Blair or Eurovision on my blog - and look how my comment levels have tumbled as a result.

I think I'd better do another feature on classical architecture.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. People come here for the incisive analysis and perspective. It is of little consequence that others may address these issues - those determined to discover the definitive background to world affairs will naturally gravitate here.

Anonymous said...

Remind me never to let you near my photo album!

Vicus Scurra said...

DG! Am I to infer that you did not want me to sell those photographs I have of you on Ebay then?

raincoaster said...

Golly, Vicus, where do little Blairs come from then? I thought surely the Prime Minister never used the back door before.

homo escapeons said...

Hats off to you Sir that was so funny!
Hopefully the great unwashed will select some ancient, guesome, fascist, twat for the next PM and then you can have some real fun!

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you HE. Yes, it would be very nice to have a leader who was a suitable object for satirical comment rather than the fine upstanding well respected and effective statesmen who have held the office during my lifetime.