Monday, May 21, 2007

Extant trilithons and cutting sarcasm

First of all, may I, as a public service point out in traditional style: “He’s back, he’s back, it’s the same one!” Good old Dr Marx has resurfaced. I admit that his latest addition to the journal is a somewhat uninteresting essay about why he has started blogging again, but I am looking forward to resuming our friendship and it would be nice if you all went over there to welcome him back. You don’t have to make an appointment, his receptionist is only marginally irritable rather than aggressive, and the magazines in the waiting room are less than five years old.

Secondly, I read that some nice young lady from the USA has been inspired to find pleasure while doing the vacuuming. What a splendid example she is. All we need now is for Mr Hoover to devise a machine that switches into silent mode when there is sport on the television.

I have been listening to the wireless this morning, and am astounded by the waffle being regurgitated because some old boat has been set on fire. For bollocks sake. I can understand that if you were one of those involved in the current restoration of said ferry you would be a little annoyed, but in my view the restoration of the catamaran in question is in the same general category as home make over programmes on the television – the most useless and dull occupation of the Golgafrincham third of the population. I have heard the wails of grief of those who claimed to have had their most meaningful moments on board this vessel, how their lives will never be the same again, and how it caught fire while being chased by the paparazzi at well over the speed limit and so on. Now listen very carefully, I shall say this several times, but not necessarily in the same way. It is just a load of old wood. Countless thousands of schoolchildren have had their trips to London ruined by being dragged around this most dull of ‘attractions’. Had the owners wished to make it more realistic and interesting they would have populated it with disease ridden, lice infested, inebriated and vulgar Victorian sailors, who hadn’t washed for 3 months. That would have been a history lesson. Not looking at some old stuff. They are already talking about restoring it. Let’s hope they put sentiment aside and rebuild it with central heating, a home entertainment lounge with internet access, and proper plumbing.

And don’t get me started on Stone bollocky Henge. It is just a load of old rocks. And if those fucking rocks were dragged from Wales or even Argentina by a bunch of sweaty stone age labourers, it is just further proof that our ancestors were as bored as we are, and had to invent stupid stuff to do with their free time, much in the same way that sweaty modern labourers queue at B & Q of a weekend to pick up the latest fashion in brick and wood and dog’s arse green paint. The bricks on Salisbury plain do not even have the fancy bits of carving that excite poor old Dave so much. The sooner that some bastard knocks them down and builds a much-needed Tesco on the site, the better.

That tart Jane Austen has a house just down the road from me. I have not been there. Why should I? It is just a house, and a very old one at that. If the silly moo had spent less time fantasising about being rogered by the English gentry and slapped a bit of woodchip on the walls and added a nice conservatory, then she might have had more interesting subject matter about which to write.

31 comments:

Dave said...

Why is it that you put a hyphen in 'much-needed', but not in:

'home make-over'

'disease-ridden'

or

'lice-infested'.

Consistency should be our watchword.

Oh, and before building a much-needed Tesco on Salisbury Plain, they should build one here. Then I wouldn't be living in a flood-trap.

(Sore point; I have been waiting for four years for Tesco to get planning permission for their store here; my house being included on their site.)

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. I have just thought of an even better place to put a hyphen.

Mark Gamon said...

You feel the same way about Stonehenge as I do about the Ashes.

Vicus Scurra said...

Listen, Mr Touchy, I am not going to retract my remarks about Chelsea being disgraceful, they are the biggest waste of money since Noah bought some sun screen. I will not be drawn into a "your sport of choice is worse than mine" debate, not because I am not childish enough, because I certainly am, but it takes too long. Would you feel better if Dave were to invite you to join our cricket team? Perhaps your youth was blighted by being deprived of the spectacle of a Tom Graveney cover drive.
Now let's have some friendly and supportive comments please. This journal is fuelled by the love of those that I have helped with my insight into the modern age.

Richard said...

We visit very old things to sense the resonances of centuries of accumulated wisdom. If we all stopped, some places would be desolate indeed.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, Richard I believe that that is why people come here. But what use are 200 year old rowing boats and some twat's vandalised rockery?

I, like the view said...

are you bored vicus and having to invent stuff to do in your stupid spare time. . .

I can't believe that for one minute

:-)

I, like the view said...

sorry - stupid stuff to do in your spare time

lost my concentration for a moment while my mind boggled

Dave said...

I should like to apologise for my pedantry.

I seem to be a bit grumpy today.

Mark is welcome to join the club, just as long as he pays his subs, and bring some decent cakes for tea.

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. No, I exclude myself from the category of those who do stupid stuff in their spare time. I write this journal in my spare time.
Dave, please do not apologise, or I will have to apologise in return. Let's continue the lightly tossed barbs. I trust that Mr Gamon feels the same way. And certainly never apologise for pedantry, it is an art form to be admired way beyond the boundaries of old bits of wood and rock.

M and J said...

Oh! Have we been here before? I can't remember. Anyway (fave word), we're here now.

Hmm. Stone bloody henge.

We drove past it a month or two ago and thought exactly the same thing.

I mean, honestly, what were the dozy cunts thinking of when they built it? Wouldn't a cheap and cheerful sundial from B&Q have done the job a bit better?

They were so backwards back then. A bit like Canucks, I suppose.

Vicus Scurra said...

M & J. How nice to see you here! This is what I meant when I said that all comments should be in agreement with me. Not sure whether you have been here before. You would probably have remembered, most people are left with at least three major psychological scars. I have seen you exchanging pleasantries with that nice infomaniac lady, isn't she a sweety?

Geoff said...

This Cutty Sark fire is a ruse to get everyone's attention on Greenwich as the Queen is about to open the new planetarium.

We are all in the gutter...

M and J said...

MJ a sweetie?

Erm... As sweet as a chewed toffee, I suppose.

Not much better looking, neither.

We know.

Still, I suppose she's a bit better looking than that mong, IDV - so salvation, albeit a small salvation only slightly wrecked by the fact she's still a Canuck.

And that she sucks tramps cocks.

MJ said...

That "zip" noise you just heard is the sound of me zipping up my HazMat Suit now that M and J have contaminated your blog.

Quick! Call in the exterminators!

Filthy poofs.

Vicus Scurra said...

M & J and MJ, we are all friends here. Please keep your bickering elsewhere. Some of the residents don't take kindly to having their afternoon nap disturbed.

MJ said...

Buncha pansies.

Shelley said...

*ahem?*

I was Napping, FFS!

Son of Groucho said...

Thanks for the plug Vicus. Why do I always feel bruised after a "visit" from you?

Vicus Scurra said...

Soggy, you old virus, perhaps I am a little too exuberant with my hugging.

Vicus Scurra said...

I have to report that Geoff has covered the same topic without the overblown verbosity that I exhibited.

ziggi said...

Tesco is not much needed round here - there's a big one in salisbury already. I'd prefer an airport please, with cheap poluting flights, then once the local environment has warmed up sufficiently they can knock it down and build a beach - lovely.

JolietJake said...

Never thought of Jane Austen as a tart, thanks for that. I went to Lenny da Vinci's house at the weekend and bought a mug with a picture of his mug on on it. That's what history is all about, little decorative spoons, mugs, tea-towels and drunken fumbling in the cucumber sandwiches

Carmenzta said...

Something else burns down before I get to make the trip to see it. It was the same with the library at Alexandria and the Colossus. Crap!

Vicus Scurra said...

Ziggi, you can never have too many Tescos.
Jake. Don't know if they sell anything at Jane's house. I expect so. Ain't gonna go and find out, neither.
Carmenzta - have you ever been to Windsor Castle? Pudding Lane in London? I trust you are not familiar with the genitalia of Jerry Lee Lewis?

Dave said...

Carmenzta, let me invite you to visit my house - just give me ten minutes to put a few things in my car.

I, like the view said...

may I water the pansies while I'm here?

or have they wilted in the heat. . .

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave, I have warned you before about over familiarity with the ladies. They come here for shelter.
ILTV - I fear that this particular strain of pansy shows no sign of wilting.

realdoc said...

Jane Austen is one of the few famous women not to have a pudding or sweetmeat of some sort named after her, a situation that should be corrected. Do you have any skill and imagination in the pastry cooking department vicus?

Kindness said...

awwww Vicus... I thought you were going to keep my fetish-to-which-we-do-not-refer-to a secret... I do prefer Mr. Dyson though... such a lovely accent.

Vicus Scurra said...

Realdoc, I will tell you my kitchen secrets if you tell me the name of the pudding that bears your name.
Kindness! nice to see you again, drug free and fit. You are probably the only one so far to have followed that link.