Monday, January 31, 2005

Yes, it was me

Do any of my readers have the problem of being molested by movie stars?
I am getting a little weary of the sordid experiences, quite honestly. Can't they just learn to leave me alone. That bloody Michelle Pfeiffer is the worst.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The beginnings of a beautiful relationship

I feel a long term commitment beginning.

Another reason to avoid going out.

Apparently, Burns Night is upon us. Tomorrow, Scots all around the world, but very few in Scotland, will be re-enacting one of those meaningless and outdated rituals that are typical amongst those who feel they ought to celebrate the fact that their great-great-grandmothers were born in a certain geographical location.
Scotland is a wonderful place. I am among the few surviving visitors who have been there on a day that it did not rain. As a preamble, please be aware that the following attack on all things Scottish is only in jest. Racism in any form will not be welcome in this journal. Nationalism is, in my view, an unpleasant manifestation of racism that I have no time for. Having said that, I would not want my principles to stand in the way of good laugh.

It is a characteristic of the Scots that they enjoy inflicting misery on others. Living in a country where it rains for 322 days of the year, and on each of the remainder midges attack every living organism, gives rise to an outlook on existence that falls short of joyful. The Scots therefore take it upon themselves to make everyone else as miserable as they are.
It is a well established fact that no one in Scotland enjoys bagpipes, porridge or the poetry of Burns, but they will all seize every available opportunity to inflict these trials on the rest of us in the name of “culture”.
What other possible explanation can there be for the custom of "first footing", whereby on New Year's Day, you visit all of your neighbours and trample coal dust into their carpets.
Burns was either a truly appalling poet, or a con artist of the highest order. His poetry is punctuated by “an all tha’” – the 18th Century equivalent of “y’know”, as a sign that he could not scan and had limited imagination. He is responsible for the atrocious verses of “Auld lang syne”, which has somehow become traditional to sing at the change of the year. Seeing human beings involved in this activity is the nearest I ever get to embarrassment, and I make it a point to be in bed by 10:30 on 31st December.
How did we allow the Scots to take over the new year? When I was a lad, television stations broadcast until after midnight, and thought that Andy Bloody Stewart was suitable entertainment, and a fitting part of celebration. For a truly talented Scots poet, please visit the website of James McNulty.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

I will willingly plagiarise. Sue me, Mr Hislop.

The BBC news chose this rather unfortunate picture of a politician, who I do not recognise, saying "And I tell you, some of them have them this long", when reporting a story about restricting the number of asylum seekers.
Posted by Hello
Whole idea ripped off from "Private Eye" cover from about 1967.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Tonight's television

I have to recommend to those who have missed it, the excellent series "Judge John Deed". It is written by GFNewman, probably the best tv dramatist ever. I wish that his series "Law and Order" was available to buy.
That I can enjoy it is made difficult by the smarmy git, Martin Shaw, in the lead role. He is as smug as a very smug thing, and would benefit from a good slapping.
Also starring is Jenny Seagrove, a woman who once, apparently, had a sexual relationship with Michael Winner. Just writing those last few words made my stomach turn over. It is a very disturbing image, and detracts from her performance as an actress. I am not in the habit of reading those publications that detail the private lives of such people, but confess to being curious to the extent that I am compelled to ask the question "What the fuck was she thinking of?"
Mr Newman's works are characterised by the absence of any protagonist with any sense of morality. The character of Deed is a departure from this trend. I suppose that casting such an oily git as Mr Shaw in the role compensates for this.
I would welcome suggestions for casting that is even less appropriate (I suspect that Martin Shaw has some good qualities, and my suggestion about slapping is not to be taken literally).
Jeremy Beadle as Martin Luther King.
Jean-Claude Van Damme in a remake of Gandhi.
Barbra Streisand as Sylvia Pankhurst.

Good news for the nation's youth.

Or should that be youths? I dunno, I went to school in the UK.
Thanks to the BBC, I learn that "
Accountants, bankers, scientists and sales executives" are leaving their professions to become school teachers. This is just what our young people need. Watch for the increase in teenage suicides. Let's add to the already ludicrous amount of pressure on our school students by inflicting them with the company of failed accountants and marketeers.
Golgafrincham knew what to do with these people.

Good Morning, and prepare to be bored

Having a severe disinterest in the opinions of humanity in general, and a disdain for what passes for communication between members of my species, I am wondering what is the value of contributing to yet another insignificant remote outpost of the web.
But, on the other hand, who gives a shit?
For those of you not already acquainted with the type of crap that appears here, please enjoy this link:
I have replied to 7 of them already.