Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I've throttled your parakeet

As regular readers (aMToNW) will be aware, I have never been one to cower in the face of the more important issues of the day. The more astute among you (who he? Ed.) will already have steeled themselves to be confronted by one of the major questions of the day.

This concern was raised last week. I was disappointed to see that it was not one of the questions in the recent elections in the USA, but I guess not everyone has the ammunition to tackle the more weighty dilemmas. I diligently watched Fox News so as not to miss being best informed, but at no point was the issue raised. The voters of Ohio failed to reach a consensus, let alone a unanimity.

Last week, after nibbling one of my comestibles, my dear nephew announced via the medium of facebook, that hobnobs are better than digestives, at least that was my inference based on my translation of the arcane hieroglyphics favoured by these young people. You may consider this to be somewhat rash, and redolent of the impetuosity of the young. The argument is not without merit, although he completely failed to introduce any data to the audience. I am therefore under some compunction to expand upon this, and to define parameters which were so clearly lacking in his cryptic statement.

The central issue is this: which is the best biscuit in the world. There are, clearly, only two contenders – McVitie’s dark chocolate hobnobs, and McVitie’s dark chocolate digestives. I am beginning a journey to establish, if possible, which is better and, by logical extension, the best.

There may be those among you, of a frivolous disposition, who might claim that some other type of biscuit is better than these two. If you fall into this category, you are clearly deluded. Let me be firm about this; this is no forum in which to promote the merits of the custard cream or the all butter shortbread. We will not be at home to pointless discussion of the experience of the fig roll or the bourbon. I am not, after all, Mussolini, and will concede that these are all tasty and creditable substances which have had a positive impact on civilisation, but I must draw you back to the central concern – digestive or hobnob.

I am not a bigot. I recognise that it may be beyond the frontiers of human capability to ever reach a definitive conclusion on this topic. This is no excuse, however, for our not attempting it. We must adopt the resolve that has given birth to the great breakthroughs in human achievement, and not flinch from the difficulty.

I will not be drawing any conclusions until all have had a chance to share their wisdom. Please be circumspect in your decision making on this vital issue.