Monday, September 24, 2012


I have been encouraged by a young gentleman, who, in order to protect the innocent, I shall merely refer to as Steve Lovering, to write to a chap who has recently been under the spotlight from our intolerant press.

I was pleased to compose this message to Andrew Mitchell, the government chief whip.


I read in good old Bill Deedes's Telegraph about your current tribulations with the fuzz. 

When I was a lad, somewhat younger than you are now (I am guessing - unless the massive responsibility you carry as a member of Her Majesty's government has aged you 30 years), I, too, was falsely accused and spent several hours in the company of some uppity young whippersnappers at Crewe nick. 

Their manners and general demeanour was somewhat short of that displayed by good old George Dixon, who was still appearing weekly on the electric television at that time.

Fearful for my safety, I played dumb, and adopted the air of one for whom the modern world was completely baffling, and before midnight they let me out (although they didn't give me a lift home).

My advice would be to do the same in dealings with them. If you are not sure how to "act dumb", then at the next cabinet meeting observe messrs Gove or Hunt and follow their lead.

I have never had any altercations with the Met, who I believe are somewhat suspect, despite the efforts of dear old Bob Mark the Goodyear tyre salesman. I applaud your efforts to put them in their place. These people are public servants after all. I am disappointed to learn that they did not offer you a lift in a Z car.

Stick to your guns, there's a good chap.

I shall be very upset, however, to hear that you have broken a bone or two falling down the stairs at Bow Street.

Yours for good old fashioned decency and keeping the commoners in their place,


Thursday, September 06, 2012


Someone has been using my email address again. This time I find I am on the mailing list of some estate agents from Lexington, North Carolina.

Here is my reply:

Thank you for that, I am touched by your kindness.

Lexington certainly seems like a funky place to dwell.

My first concern about moving there is my commute time to work. Google maps won't give me directions, but one website indicates that the distance is just over 3900 miles. What time do you think I would have to leave my new home in the morning in order to reach work by 9:00 a.m. (British Summer Time)? Are there any direct buses. Unless Mr Liddle, (my geography teacher in case you didn't know) was lying to me, I believe that in between the two locations there is something called the Atlantic Ocean, the most notable characteristic of which is the dampness. Are the buses of the Lexington public transport system fully amphibious? Do they have a good wifi connection? 

Of Lexington itself, I know little. I have friends in North Carolina, however. Dear Mountaine is currently building a new house there, so it must have some good qualities, and my young friend Adam likes it so much that he has taken a job in Alaska. Perhaps I can enter into a carpool arrangement with him.

You mention in your nice message that "there are real human beings" behind the website. You may have meant this to be reassuring, but I confess to being mildly disquieted. I infer that there may be some human beings in the vicinity who are not real, and can only guess as to what this might mean. Are these beings benign or dangerous in your view? Is there an easy way to discriminate? I am beginning to think that whoever used my email address to sign up to your mailing list may have been more than a little rash. If you find out who it was, please advise them to stay where they are. I will think over the whole project and get back to you.

love and peace