Friday, October 13, 2006

I have sent the following query to Sky Movies. There will be no prizes other than my sincere affection for the one who mostly closely replicates the response.

I notice that Sky Movies is screening the film "Fantastic Four". I have not yet seen "Fantastic", "Fantastic Two" or "Fantastic Three". Do you have any plans to show these in the near future?


Wyndham said...

What will they call the fourth Fantastic Four movie? If we are lucky enough to be treated to such a masterpiece.

Vicus Scurra said...

Wyndham! How nice to hear from you.
The question you pose will keep the inmates here amused for many hours.

Unknown said...

Inmates? I prefer to think of myself more along the lines of client.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, Pamela, of course. That nice man will bring you your lunch very soon, and then we can see whether your basket weaving supplies are sufficient to last the weekend.

Frontier Editor said...

Dear Mr. (VS)

Thank you for watching Sky Movies and for your interest in our selection of films.

We have referred your query to our staff and we hope we will be able to bring those exciting films to Sky in the near future.

Thank you again and we hope you continue to enjoy the high quality films shown on Sky Movies.

Bet this'll be a close paraphrase

realdoc said...

I'm looking forward to 'Just below average four' They make tea, miss the bus, pick their nose whilst driving, listen to Celine Dion that sort of thing.

Vicus Scurra said...

This is not my first adventure along such lines.
I love the BBC

Carmenzta said...

Vicus, I had the same problem with Ocean's Eleven and Twelve. We have a lot of movie-watching to catch up to.

Cherrypie said...

Thank you for your interest in Sky Movies. We regret that we are unable to respond to individual requests. Check out all our great movies and details of forthcoming offers at We hope you continue to enjoy your subscription.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Scurra,

Many thanks for your enquiry. Unfortunately your enquiry has fallen on deaf and humourless ears as we're a bunch of totla cnuts.

You may be interested in our upcoming Undiscovered Ray Bradbury Season, starting on October 23rd with Fahrenheit 1. Actually I wouldn't bother because you'll be able to see it on BBC 2 in three weeks anyway.

Yours etc,

Vicus Scurra said...

I am not sure whether to defer posting any more new threads here until I hear back from Sky. It may be some time. I suspect I am in a Catch 14 situation.

Dave said...

Dear Ken,

Every film we show is fantastic.



tom909 said...

Dear Mr Scurra
It is not normally our policy to respond to correspondence from people such as yourself, who deliberately set out to try and get a cheap laugh at our expense. However, in the interests of maintaining the faint chance that your blog may become amusing, just this once we are prepared to reply.
If you are ever in the area of our head offices and you fancy a quick shag, give me a call on ext.201.
Yours truly feeling horny,
Miss Jackie Crutchwart.

I'll be fucking amazed if I don't win the prize with that one Vicus.

Vicus Scurra said...

I think you are right, Tom (has anyone ever said that before?)
It did make me laugh the most, anyway, which is, after all, the purpose of human existence.

Anonymous said...

"Thank you for your email. We get very few American viewers..."

Will that do, or do I hafta type the whole thing out?

Anonymous said...

What's Sky Movies?

Zig said...


Frontier Editor said...


Q: How can you tell th ehead office?

A: The staff has dirty knees

Mark Gamon said...

Dear Mr S.Curra.

Thank you for watching Sky Movies and for your interest in our selection of films.

Fantastic, Fantastic Two, and Fantastic Three will shortly be featured in our 'Hit Movies of the 90s' season on Sky Movies 8. We note that under the terms of your current subscription package you are only able to receive the following Sky Movies Channels:

Sky Movies 1

Sky Movies 2

Sky Moves 'All Time Greats of the 50s'

Sky Movies 'The Top Ten All-Time Great Cricketing Movies'

Sky Movies 'I Can't Believe It's Not Ray Milland' season of classics.

Sky Movies 'Snuff Movies of the Thatcher Years' (rolling subscription)

Sky Movies 8 is an action packed movie channel dedicated to the very best plotless product-placed placebo widescreen blockbusters that never made it to your local Vue cinema complex. To subscribe, just call 0800 888 8888 and one of our experienced Customer Service Representatives will guide you through the sign-up process. It only takes 30 seconds of your time!

Sky Movies 8 is available at a special low introductory offer price - for ONE MONTH ONLY - £88 p.c.m.

Your existing subscription package will be unaffected.

Thank you for your enquiry, and we look forward to welcoming you to the ever-expanding freemarket democratic tellyviewin lipsmackin thirstquenchin three hundred and forty seven channels and nothin on choiceworld that only membership of the great worldwide Sky community offers.

Anonymous said...

Mr Gamon, Please contact me at your earliest convenience, there's a job here with your name on it.

Vicus Scurra said...

Here's the reply:

Thanks for your email regarding Sky Movies.

Unfortunately, there are no plans at present to broadcast previous 'Fantastic' films. However, your interest in these movies has been noted and passed to Sky Movies for their information.

Thanks for taking the time to contact Sky. We always welcome viewers' comments and feedback.

If you would like more information on our services and packages, or you simply want to see what is going on in the world of News, Sport, Movies or Entertainment, please log onto

Kind regards

Helen Forbes
Viewer Relations

Vicus Scurra said...

It is uncanny how accurate Frontier Editor was.
I suspect his newspaper may be a Murdoch organ, but I am very disappointed if that is the case.

Anonymous said...

Poor poor Helen Forbes for she does not yet know what she has done.

I'm not surprised.

Dave said...

You just wait until they bring out the prequels to Fantastic four. You'll be laughing on the other side of your face then.

Frontier Editor said...


It's not a matter of a mutant frontal lobe or being attached to one of Rupert's organs (yecchhh). Just a matter of having been a teaching assistant, having worked in newspapers in general for 14 years and having had my share of customer-service encounters. Stupid is pretty much a mathematical constant among customer relations types.

I should have bet you a Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bar - a real one instead of the Hershey license-extruded ones we get here. But I'll settle for another free whack at Adam when he materializes again.

tom909 said...

I'm gutted, as indeed you must be, that Helen didn't even offer you a shag. Still it was worth a try wasn't it.

Vicus Scurra said...

No, Tom, if you read your contract, shags are only offered to subscribers to the shagging channel. She did offer to go to the cinema with me.

Anonymous said...

The film The Madness of King George was so titled rather than following the original title of Alan Bennett's play, because the producers thought that on seeing The Madness of George III, Americans would ask "Hey, what happened to The Madness of George 1 and 2?"

Anonymous said...

"We value your patronage. Thank you for your inquiry, and take care."

Dave said...

Perhaps Sky should chaange their name to 'Welkin Broadcasting'. I'm sure this would fit in with your more traditional approach to life.

Miramar Mike said...

Really ... that was the real, honest to goodness, stroke me up pat me down, would I lie to you, trust me I'm a vicar reply ... really?

Noooooooooo ...