Thursday, February 22, 2024

Call to arms

Regular readers of this page (Do you really think anyone bothers? Ed.) will remember how delighted I was with the Brexit referendum. Overnight we freed ourselves of foreign dabbling in our affairs and reaffirmed our indisputable sovereignty. Hail to the house of Windsor!

There were those whingers who liked to bang on about a failing economy, people resorting to food banks, soaring costs of food, being ridiculed by the rest of the world, creating massive divisions in our society, and isolating ourselves from our neighbours. “So what!” I said, now we can get rid of those nasty plum coloured passports.

Now, alas, I am forced to admit that I was mistaken. I am stilling shaking with the decision that has been forced on my friends at Meridian Foods to discontinue the production of their organic, sugar-free fruit spreads. As I speed further into my dotage (have you sped into your dotage, missus?) I will have to do so without what has been a key part of my morning repast these 30 years. True, I still have my tahini and marmite on my home baked bread, but they will appear increasingly forlorn without the cheery accompaniment of morello cherry spread on the other half of the plate. I am not one to resort to trauma easily, and I took it stoically when they stopped make their plum spread (avoid the plural, Ed.) some time ago, but now the whole range has ceased to be.

Farage and his knuckle-dragging friends will get no further support from me! You can destroy the NHS and take education back to the Victorian era and I will consider it a fair price to pay for our freedom, but when you mess with my breakfast you have begun something the conclusion of which will be very unpleasant for you.

As A A Milne might have put it:
The Twat asked

The Receptionist, and

The Receptionist asked

The Spokesperson,

“Could we have some organic sugar-free wild blueberry spread for

The moron’s slice of bread” (Toast in this case, Ed.)

The Receptionist asked the Spokesperson,
The Spokesperson

Said “Not likely, mate, we can’t afford it, blame the Tories”. *


Who’s up for a game of insurrection?


*May have been my interpretation


Pammy said...

Insurrection seems a bit much. Have you considered throwing yourself on the ground, kicking and screaming until you get your way?

Vicus Scurra said...

Pammy, you seem to have mistaken me for your friend Donald.

Indigo Roth said...

Hurrah for insurrection! We'd best get it done soon, else we'll be voting them back in come November.

Rol said...

If you're baking your own bread, why can't you make your own jam? Good practice for the coming apocalypse, when we'll all have to live off the land (or charred earth, as it may be).

Vicus Scurra said...

Indigo. Yes! I am ready, I have been practising my loudest shouting.
Rol. Not jam, as there is no sugar. Please pay attention.

Rol said...

What's the point of jam without sugar? That's like coffee without caffeine!

Vicus Scurra said...

Rol. You are of course entitled to your views, but airing them in public does little to challenge the notion that certain parts of the country are stuck in the 18th century. Just off to have my organic oat milk alcohol free Baileys.

Rol said...


Mike Riversdale said...

I keep watching from afar from the Condiment Wars to kick off, no news yet, did I miss it?

Vicus Scurra said...

He's back! He's back! It's the same one!
Hi Mike - lovely to see you here.